Roy Keane is a cranky middle-aged man selling things cranky middle-aged men like to cranky middle-aged men

It’s nice to see big companies cop on and pick the right person to spruik their stuff to us. Consumers don’t want a 16-year-old model with Slavic cheekbones selling us anti-wrinkle cream, we’re too smart for that. We don’t want to take life advice from a 20-something middle-class white woman who did a few weeks at a yoga teaching course in India and used that to justify changing her name from Lauren to Shakti Moonflower.

We want someone like us telling us what to do, what to wear and what to buy. Which is why Roy Keane was the perfect choice to be the frontman for Adidas’ new Spezial campaign. Keane has long been the thinking person’s favourite hardman. His gruff, no-nonsense brand of football punditry compliments his reputation as the player whose alleged method of conflict resolution involved telling Ireland’s manager to stick the World Cup up his arse. As he and his fans aged Keane became the pin-up for the cranky dads of the world. Men who sit crossed armed at the table, who don’t speak unless they have something to say but when they do it’s cutting enough to make you straighten up and fly right. Men who have had it up to here. Men who see a politician on telly and go “enough of that shite talk” before turning it down. Men who won’t stop at McDonald’s because “we’ve food at home”. Men who are turning off the heater and telling you to put on another jumper instead.

Which is why Keane is the perfect person to flog a range of jackets and parkas. He’s a cranky middle-aged man, selling things cranky middle-aged men like to cranky middle-aged men.

The athleisure range is a collection of clothes you could go for a hike in and then read the paper in silence at the pub. It’s all about weather-appropriate jackets with lots of pockets for carrying random screws, golf pencils and a packet of Rennies indigestion relief in. There’s trainers referencing previous Adidas concepts from the 1970s and 1980s which is down entirely to lure their target market in. For these are the decades grumpy dads like to fantasise about as the last time prices were reasonable and when young lads knew how to work hard.

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[ Party season is approaching and the fashion police are out ]

The “hiking Croagh Patrick” look of nylon jackets and cargo pants has long been referred to in fashion circles as “gorpcore”. That’s why North Face jackets and Patagonia fleeces that have never seen altitudes higher than office rooftop car parks have swamped Dublin’s financial district in the past few years.

But this isn’t just about ironic displays of wealth by urban yuppies pretending they go outside. This is the reclaiming of cranky dad power. The refusal to be uncomfortable or impractical. This is for those of us who left the pandemic swearing never to wear things we didn’t want to again. Those of us who went into lockdown feeling old, confused and fed up. Those of us who can’t wear the baggy jeans or mullets young lads are sporting on TikTok but don’t want to start dressing entirely in M&S cardigans just yet. Even if they are looking more and more appealing every day. We’re too young, we have too much to give before we disappear into bottle green fine knits forever. Yes we still want to go to concerts even though we might get mistaken for undercover cops because of our clothing choices.

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You don’t even have to be a man or a dad to be a cranky dad. It’s a lifestyle choice. In the video advertisement, Adidas shot Keane out walking his dog alone in nature reminiscing about his life in a voice-over. It’s a classic cranky dad pastime. Going off for a walk to have a good think with the dog that they said they didn’t want in the first place but now loves on par with their children. “Good girl!” Keane tells his dog with endearing affection.

He talks about his career and the challenges athletes face when they retire over footage of him modelling the clothes. I say modelling. It’s just Keane doing cranky dad things like walking, steering a boat with one arm resting on the side and glowering off into the distance. Periodically they have him staring into the camera with the exact same kind of unsettling intensity your dad does when you FaceTime him from abroad. Before he wraps up the chat with “Okay so, I’ll put you on to your mother”.

“I have a lot of contentment in my life,” is Keane’s matter-of-fact sum up and really when you think about it’s all we can strive for in life. Other than maybe having Roy Keane put a hand on our shoulder and brusquely telling us that he’s proud of us. Which is something this ad campaign weirdly makes us all crave. Alongside a sensible jacket or two in complementary colours.