Seán Moncrieff: You’ll never hear a straight man say: wow, those jeans fit you well

This is a minefield. There were two occasions when men I didn’t know talked to me about clothes. A few months ago, a man approached me on the street and asked where I got the shoes I was wearing. On another occasion I was trying on a pair of shoes and a man told me they were great and I should buy them. So, I did. And they were.

These events stick in my memory because of their rarity. I’m generalising, but many men – straight men anyway – are still uncomfortable talking about clothes. It’s a bit girly. The fact that in both cases I received observations about shoes is not without significance. The feet are a safe area for straight men; anything north of that is too risky. You’ll never hear a straight man say: wow, those jeans fit you well.

Yes, boys are silly. But here’s the minefield bit: women support women when it comes to appearance. They like to pay compliments to each other. Yet a woman can say whatever she wants to a man about his appearance without the need to – pun intended – dress it up. Harsh criticisms are regarded not as insults, but much-needed advice.

Get back up to the bedroom and put on the shirt I want you to wear

When I grew my beard I received many comments from women I didn’t know, all unbidden, telling me they didn’t like it. One was so outraged by my chin hair that she blocked me on Twitter. (I should point out that I received many positive reviews as well).

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This double-standard is particularly acute within couples. Of course, there are some men who don’t wish to have any input into their own appearance. I know men who happily let their partners buy and choose their clothes for them. But I’m still going to stick my neck out here. There’s scarcely a male in this country, fashion-indifferent or not, who hasn’t heard the following sentence from the woman in his life: “Is that what you’re wearing?”

It might be structured as an interrogative statement, but it means: get back up to the bedroom and put on the shirt I want you to wear.

[ Seán Moncrieff: Why are so many men content to be dressed by their partners? ]

The rules of whataboutery require me to point out that if a man aimed that sentence at his partner, it would, quite rightly, be regarded as monstrous. So why not the reverse? Yes, there’s a sociopolitical context of patriarchy and the objectification of women, but I’m trying to contain my argument here within the confines of individual relationships, where each partner tries their best to love and respect the other.

I like the way Herself dresses, and I love and respect her. But, obviously, I don’t like all her items of clothing equally. I don’t hate or even dislike anything she wears. But on the rare occasion when I’m asked for a verdict, I can’t afford to pause even for a millisecond before speaking. A pause can be interpreted as meaning I don’t like it. It doesn’t – and shouldn’t – prevent her from wearing the clothes. But it can be mentioned afterwards. “This is the dress Sean doesn’t like.”

No matter how mad the outfit, let them at it. We already have a massive oversupply of opinions

When I buy something new, Herself’s reviews largely fall into three categories:

1. That’s nice!

2. That’s new. (I’m not sure.)

3. Oh, God.

The comments don’t prevent me from wearing the items either.

I’m not blaming her for this. We’re all still struggling to get away from how we are conditioned to want to appear: girls should be pretty and sensitive about appearance; boys should be macho and not care how they look.

Ostensibly, clothes aren’t important, but they can say something about the wearer: that they are conservative, or nervous or, ideally, happy to be themselves. So, no matter how mad the outfit, let them at it. We already have a massive oversupply of opinions. When it comes to clothes, and many other areas of life, if you don’t have anything nice to say, then, you know, shut up.