I’m appealing here on behalf of a particular variety of person. Even though I don’t want to. But first, a quick story.
I was with a group of people, some of whom I know, some of whom I had met for the first time. One of the new (to me) people started telling a story about someone this group were familiar with; mostly because they’d heard stories about him before.
All the stories had a similar theme: this man was extremely wealthy, but also astonishingly stingy. If he found a mislaid item, he would always keep it, whether he needed it or not. He made sure to stuff his pockets with the clear plastic bags they give away at airports and use them for sandwiches. The latest story, which was told and listened to with some relish, involved him dropping his phone into a toilet. He retrieved the phone, and as you’re supposed to do, then submerged it in a bag of rice. The phone survived, and so did the rice. He put it back in his larder and subsequently ate it.
These stories, I was assured, were not constructed from speculation or inference. This man would brag about his penny-pinching exploits, and failed to understand why other people didn’t act the same.
Perhaps even worse are people who give presents and want to be congratulated for it. They tell you all about how much the gift cost or how much trouble they went to get it
Of course, one person’s meanness is another’s frugality. And just because a person is wealthy, it doesn’t follow that they are required to throw their cash around. And it’s barely worth mentioning – but I will anyway – that sometimes people can be struggling financially and not want to talk about it.
Leaving aside all those mitigating factors, we’ve still all come across people who don’t buy a round in the pub or promise to pay you back for their cinema ticket and never do. There’s something particularly irksome about it. It’s not the financial meanness in itself that’s the problem – sometimes it can be a relatively small amount of money. It’s more what it represents: a meanness of spirit.
At this time of the year, that meanness can be expressed in particular ways: by giving thoughtless presents, or keeping score. You’ve probably witnessed people doing this sort of thing. I spent €50 on them, but they only spent €30 on me. It usually comes with protestations about how the money isn’t important. Which makes the money super important.
If empathy and kindness are vital for human survival, then it has to be spread around evenly, even to those who have no idea why they are receiving it
Perhaps even worse are people who give presents and want to be congratulated for it. They tell you all about how much the gift cost or how much trouble they went to get it. It seems to be a form of virtue signalling that spectacularly misses the point of what gift-giving is supposed to be about.
[ Seán Moncrieff: For a radio presenter, I’m rubbish at small talkOpens in new window ]
Nowadays, everything can be pathologised, and stinginess is no different. It can come about because the person grew up in difficult circumstances, or they have an underlying insecurity, a fear of intimacy or, God love them, a deficit in empathy; like they don’t really get what kindness or sharing are for. Perhaps they can’t help it, yet it’s still difficult to have sympathy for them.
Difficult for me, anyway. It seems to violate something fundamental about the way human beings are supposed to interact with each other. The tribe survived and eventually prospered through co-operation, through the unspoken acknowledgment that there was something greater than the individual; an idea that gradually developed moral weight. Acts of kindness are not transactional, but inherently good. Giving is always better than receiving.
But, unfortunately for me, that cuts both ways. If empathy and kindness are vital for human survival, then it has to be spread around evenly, even to those who have no idea why they are receiving it; who might even regard you as a sucker for sending it their way. So, in the run-up to the big day, try to be kind to the stingy people in your life. They won’t thank you for it.