Christmas, rated! Patrick Freyne’s grumpy guide to the festive season

Turkey

Turkey thought it was so smart, cleverly evolving to be dry and tasteless so that predators would give it a miss. It hadn’t reckoned on humans, a species who are always on a diet. We decided that turkey would be our poultry of choice for yuletide celebration and now we have to live with that choice. ★★☆☆☆

Ham

Turkey’s best friend. Always hanging around with turkey, on the plate and in the wild. Ham has no self-respect even though it does a lot of the heavy lifting at Christmas dinner. In truth we only shovel that dry turkey into our mouths as ballast for the ham, a delicious salt delivery mechanism. I’m told the English don’t do ham with their turkey which is barbarous. ★★★★★

Christmas trees

Capturing a tree and then covering it with electrified lights is a wonderful way of signifying man’s dominion over nature, which is working out so well for us all. Trees think they’re so great just because they’re bigger than me, but do trees get to decorate humans and put them in their home for tree Christmas? Not that we know of. So I win. Patrick 1. Trees 0. ★☆☆☆☆ (On top of the tree)

Snow

A sort of frozen rain that we don’t get any more because of all the fossil fuel powering our Christmas lights and what we did to the trees (see Christmas trees). ★★★★☆

That They May Face the Rising Sun: The best Irish film in a very long time

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‘When our last embryo failed, the clinic told us there was nothing more they could do for us’

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Take That in Dublin review: ‘Whose idea was it to have stairs?’ puffs Gary Barlow as the band roll back the years with dazzling show

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Baby Reindeer’s Richard Gadd on the true story behind the show: ‘People are afraid to admit they made mistakes’

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Mistletoe

To be honest with you, coercing people to kiss on the basis of a suspended sprig of weird leaves feels a little off these days, but mistletoe was always a bit weird. The Celts believed mistletoe to be the semen of the thunder god Taranis. Scientists say this probably isn’t true. But we can never know for sure. ★☆☆☆☆

Baby Jesus

Look at Baby Jesus sitting there, his arms extended like a talkshow host, surrounded by worshipful parents, angels, kings, shepherds and farm animals all telling him to follow his dreams and that he is literally the son of God. Of course, that’s just an average childhood nowadays. Nonetheless: ★★★★★

My terrible nephews and niece

I’m repeatedly told that Christmas is all about the children, that it’s all about the sense of wonder in their dimpled faces and the delightful tinkling of their laughter as they open their presents. But what about the wonder in my dimpled face and the delightful tinkling of my laughter when I’m opening my presents. I’ll grant you that children are the future, but to offer a counterpoint for a moment: I am the best, most Christmassy boy, not them. No stars

Robins

These small angry birds have somehow cashed in on the Christmas card racket. If you have a bird feeder you’ll know robins are the Joe Pesci in Goodfellas of garden birds. Frankly, it’s shocking what these red breasted little psychos have got away with. ★★★★★ (Out of fear)

Elf on the Shelf

Baby’s first emissary of surveillance capitalism. Kids can’t get enough of this creepy little weirdo, gawping down at us from increasingly unlikely locations. First introduced in a book (1984 by George Orwell, I think), the Elf on the Shelf is, canonically, a Stasi-like spy for Santa, who will then decide how to reward or punish children based on his detailed reports. Look at him there, the grinning goggly eyed narc, happy out. I have no memory of Elf on the Shelf being a thing when I was a boy but I am told there has always been an Elf on the Shelf. Indeed, I feel now as though maybe I love the Elf on the Shelf. ★★★★★

Santa Claus

Old St Nick. The child judger. The Elf on the Shelf’s boss. Jesus’s dad (I’m a little unclear on Christmas theology). He wanders around the world at Christmas breaking into people’s houses, giving them presents, guzzling down biscuits and ho-ho-ho-ing maniacally. Should we trust someone who laughs so much for no reason? ★★★★★ (I still want presents)

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

As an outcast, Rudolph was bullied by the other reindeers due to his large red nose. However, once Santa Claus raised his status in the organisation, the reindeers reassessed the situation. The story is, basically, a salutary lesson for children, warning them to do due diligence before bullying someone lest they’ve misinterpreted their position in the hierarchy. It’s Machiavelli’s The Prince but for children. Excellent. ★★★★★