GO FLORIDA: CONOR POPEfinds that Orlando in Florida – a city synonymous with fun for younger age groups – is also a pretty good place for adults to have a blast as well
IN TWO days last month, I swam with dolphins, flew a fighter plane, whizzed through one of the world’s most exhilarating theme parks, had blood-soaked men come at me with chainsaws and clocked up a Guinness World Record. Welcome to Orlando.
“It makes me smile” is the city’s catchphrase but when its tourist authority came knocking with a package aimed at showcasing all it had to offer for adults, I laughed. “Orlando for Adults? Sure that’s like saying Stringfellows for kids,” I thought to myself. I was wrong.
Orlando is a ridiculously fun, if entirely artificial, place for grown-ups to holiday. It has little by way of history, not much more of cultural note and can be excruciatingly cheesy but it is also hilarious and exhilarating, the shopping is cheap, the food is good and the weather great.
It would take you 67 days to do justice to all the attractions Orlando has to offer but we only had four so were forced to choose wisely. Warbird Adventures at Kissimmee on the outskirts of the city gives people the chance to fly second World War fighter planes and it’s not to be missed if you can afford the $250 (€179) a 15-minute flight costs. After such a nerve-racking experience I imagine I’m ready for anything the theme parks have to throw at me. Again, I’m wrong.
While the happiest place in Orlando is obviously Disneyworld, it’s geared towards a younger market. The Universal Studios theme park, on the other hand, caters for a slightly older audience so it is there we go. First up is the Incredible Hulk. This roller coaster is infinitely more terrifying than any plane flight. We are “lucky” to get to sit in the front car and, as we barrel along at speed, we flip over, perform unnatural corkscrew turns and drop to earth at a sickening pace. I scream with the high-pitched manliness of a Barbie doll. The ride is no more than three minutes but the aftershocks last a lot longer and the lurching ground and head spinning makes it hard for me to walk away from the ride once it ends with any kind of dignity. I resolve never to go on it again.
There is nowhere on the planet that makes fake more real than Orlando. In fact, were it not for make-believe, this place would probably still be a sleepy backwater made up of orange groves three hours drive from Miami and not a sprawling, low-rise city which attracts nearly 50 million tourists a year.
There is nowhere in Orlando where fake and reality merge more seamlessly than in the simulators. Over the course of one afternoon, I played Quidditch with Harry Potter, chased bad guys with Spiderman and, while trying to escape the clutches of Sideshow Bob in Springfield, morphed into Maggie Simpson’s soother. D’oh!
The Universal Studios simulators play with your mind and, while you think you’ve plummeted 40 storeys at whiplash speed, you’ve actually fallen 8 inches. The new kid on the block is the Wizarding World of Harry Potter and, with JK Rowling watching over each step in the creative process, the stories have been recreated with an awesome attention to detail. The castle looms large and the town of Hogsmeade, with its incongruously snow-topped roofs, is busy, with wand shops and the Three Broomsticks restaurant doing a roaring trade, particularly in the non-alcoholic and creamily revolting butter beer.
AFTER ALL THIS wizardry, we need to chill so take ourselves to Winter Park, a cute and very well-heeled “city” in Orlando. It is so squeaky clean and picture postcard pretty that it could have been lifted straight out of the Truman Show or, if you’re of a more sinister inclination, a David Lynch film.
Winter Park is home to 28,000 extremely affluent people, many of whom live here year-round, something which makes it stand apart from other more seasonal suntraps dotted around the state. The main street, Park Ave, has a handful of upmarket boutiques and restaurants, and the farmer’s market on a Saturday morning is worth a wander – when it comes to colour and choice it leaves anything Ireland has to offer in the ha’penny place.
The boat tour of Winter Park’s lakes and canals takes an hour and is premium property porn. Affable guides point out the nicest houses and talk up their features with the gusto of unctuous estate agents. “This house has a pool, a cinema, a nightclub, 10 bedrooms and runs to 32,000 square feet.” And how many people live in it? “Two.” Right.
After all this relaxed voyeurism, the adrenalin levels dip so to get them spiking again, we go to Halloween Horror Night at Universal Studios. This runs throughout October – and sometimes into November – and appears to terrify locals. But as we pull up outside, I’m unconvinced the fear factor will amount to much.
I'm right, although it does make a good stab at scaring people. There are a handful of haunted houses – with long queues – and first up is the Orfanage, chosen because the people coming out look as if they're crying like big Jessies. When we finally get in, there is an acrid smell of smoke – the orphanage is supposed to have burned down. The scary scene is set well but ultimately the house disappoints. It doesn't matter how well the make-up is done or how spooky the setting, ultimately this is just a bunch of actors leaping out of the shadows and shouting boo at excitable and frequently drunk tourists. It is about as scary as Michael Jackson's Thrillervideo.
The actors who prowl the “streets” drenched in fake blood wielding real chainsaws are, on the other hand, a lot more convincing and when they leap out of the shadows roaring and screaming when you least expect it they are absolutely terrifying.
Just outside the theme park there is City Walk, a place which comes to life at night. It is a brash and bright strip of pubs and clubs and has the feel of a real town centre. It features franchised bars like Pat O’Briens, which started out as an old school Irish bar in the French Quarter of New Orleans. O’Briens is the home of the hurricane cocktail and this night it is wedged with tourists – mostly Americans – singing lustily along to a 1980s cover band. For a while it feels like a night out in a real urban centre but then 1.30am comes and the whole strip shuts down so suddenly that I start to understand how Cinderella must have felt when she was sent home from the ball.
The following morning World Smile Day dawns. To mark the occasion, the tourist authority has got hundreds of people – including me – on to the roof of the newly-built basketball arena to break the record for making the world’s largest smiley face. In case you think this is an easy record to break, it isn’t. We had to stand in soaring temperatures wearing yellow ponchos for 10 minutes to get into the record books. Orlando makes me smile? Orlando makes me sweat is more like it.
To cool down we go to Discovery Cove to swim with dolphins and snorkel with 10,000 tropical fish. Like much in Orlando this cove is artificial but no expense has been spared creating a new reality. In this bit of tropical rainforest in the middle of a swamp we swim with Dexter and Schooner. We also kiss their smiling gobs – the trainer insists on it – rub their bellies and throw our arms round them as they swim through the lagoon. Then they spit at us and splash us with their tails and return to their compounds to stuff their faces with fish. Talk about ungrateful.
The snorkelling at Discovery Cove is amazing and although it is little more than an outsized tropical fish tank, it feels like the real thing and the fish are stunning. And safe. Try getting close to a sting ray in the open and see how you get on.
The fish are also pretty stunning at Epcot – the only Disney park I make it to over the course of the trip – but this time we get to eat them. This park which Walt Disney hoped would be an “experimental prototype community of tomorrow” is definitely for grown-ups. The rides are distinctly underwhelming – boring is another word for it. If you avoid just one ride in Orlando make it the ridiculous Test Track at Epcot. We are promised a high speed car ride through an automobile testing lab but it was very long on queues and very short on thrills.
Epcot is hosting an International Food Fair and at the Irish stall they had lobster and scallop pie, Guinness and, of course, Mead. Mead? Really? When the food stalls are in place and the sun is shining it is a lovely spot to wander around, like a giant outdoor tapas bar, with small portions of food and drink from all over the world going for around $5 (€3.50) a pop.
As we head for the exit, I look to the heavens and it is sending us a message. That message is “Jesus Loves You”. Well, to be accurate, the message reads “Sus Love You” because by the time the skywriter gets to the end of his short sentence, the windy skies have blown his first two letters away. He tries again and writes “God + U 4 ever”. Bless. Only in America.
*Conor Pope travelled to Orlando as a guest of Orlando/Orange County Convention Visitors Bureau
Where to stay, eat and shop
Where to stay
Waldorf-Astoria, Bonnet Creek Resort Lane. Tel: 00-1-407-597-5500 or waldorfastoriaorlando.com. Glitzy, with marble floors, two large pools, spa and legendary breakfasts. Doubles from $246 (€176).
Grand Bohemian Hotel, 325 South Orange Avenue. Tel: 00-1-407-313-9000 or grandbohemianhotel.com. Boutique hotel in downtown Orlando and has the edge when it comes to hipness. Doubles from $189 (€135).
At the other end of the scale are strips of low-rise, low-rent motels where rooms can be had from $21 (€15) a night, although some of the cheapest ones look like they’re straight out of a Tarantino film.
Where to eat
The food in Orlando is hit and miss. There are huge billboards along the highways offering all you can eat buffets in themed restaurants for as little as $6 (€4) per person.
There are also strips of restaurants dotted throughout the city offering steak and Maine lobster for half nothing.
The Pointe area is buzzing and home to the excellent Funky Monkey Wine Company (funkymonkeywine.com). It offers an eclectic, fusion-style menu featuring everything from ostrich to sushi.
The best restaurant we tried was the Waldorf-Astoria’s Bull Bear, a quintessentially New York steakhouse in the sun. It serves a 32oz dry-aged steak that is incredible.
Culture
Enzian Art House cinema (enzian.org). Set in a leafy garden, it holds just over 200 people, has a full restaurant and an outdoor bar with a splendidly eclectic range of local beers.
Transport
Orlando is low-rise and spread over a vast area. There is virtually nothing by way of public transport and the idea of walking anywhere is absurd so car hire is essential.
Shopping
It’s hard to avoid the shopping and some bargains are breathtaking. The Premium Outlet Mall on International Drive is the largest outlet in the southeast and features 175 stores with brands such as Banana Republic, Neiman Marcus, Victoria’s Secret and Hugo Boss.
The Mall at Millenia is more upmarket and stars Neiman Marcus, Bloomingdale’s, Macy’s, Chanel, Gucci, and Tiffany Co – and a dirt cheap Urban Outfitters. This place can do serious damage to a credit card.