Any colour, as long as it's . . .

Emissions: Many moons ago, I worked as a chef in central London. I won't name names, but I managed to feed - and hopefully poison - many a famous masticator in my time.

On my way in or out of one particular epicurean emporium that employed me near Piccadilly Circus, I would often see this rather swarthy gentleman driving his convertible Ferrari around, blaring some teeth-chatteringly loud Eurotripe music while leering at teenage tourists. I think he was a brothel owner.

I have no real empirical evidence, but I have my suspicions that he was a complete tosser. The fact that his €200,000 car was babyclothes pink was enough for me. What, I'd think when I saw him, would possess someone to do that to a car?

Colour, you see, is a major contributory factor to a car's desirability. Latest figures show silver is the most popular colour, such vehicles making up 35.4 per cent of all those sold in Europe in 2004.

According to some cod-psychology I dug up on the internet, buyers reckon having a car the colour of precious metal lends gravitas and importance and commands respect from other motorists. Which is a load of feckology, in my eyes. It just means you are a sheep.

It's closely followed by black. That, I can understand. People like black because it symbolises authority and power. Would Darth Vader have been so successful if he'd been encased in a hearing-aid beige helmet? What about priests? Do you think anyone would have paid a jot of attention to their ramblings if they'd opted for lime green instead of black for their suits?

Also popular is red, which - and I'm still reading this from Psychology for Cretins - is an "emotionally intense colour" opted for by "ambitious entrepreneurs and fast-moving corporate supremos". My bicycle is red. I'll remember that bit of nonsense next time I'm huffing and puffing through traffic dejectedly on a filthy November morning. "You are an ambitious entrepreneur and/or fast-moving corporate supremo," I'll chant loudly to distract myself from my state of existential dread. Drivers opting for green cars are said to be calmer and more sedate than average. Take me, for example. A more rounded, balanced, rational man you'd be hard pushed to find, a fact evinced by the couldn't-care-less-what-ye-think-of-me-ye-shower-of-Palestines deep green paintwork of my ancient beemer.

Those nice Bavarians have dubbed the shade "Lagoon Green", which they presumably felt would be evocative of idyllic Micronesian coral atolls to the motorist stuck behind a cattletruck on a sliproad near Dusseldorf. Unfortunately, the ravages of time and Irish winters have left it more resembling a muddy algae-ridden pond than anything Pacific.But the smug smile was soon wiped off my face by another survey showing the colour of your car can have a huge effect on its resale value. Some shower of clever clogs - the reason for my contempt will become evident presently - have come up with a set of figures to correlate this theory. They found that a metallic black car will sell for around €300 more than the same model in silver, and a massive €4,000 more than a white one.

Even a metallic purple car is worth more than white (White is a complete no-no these days. Maybe it's due to the fact that all white cars look like decommissioned Garda vehicles or delivery vans.) And green? These fools reckon a lovely green car will sell for €1,500 less than a black one. I recently saw a black version of the same model as mine for sale for €1,000. Which means I'd have to pay someone €500 to "buy" my car.

Incidentally, cars are banned from being painted red in Brazil because it's the most accident-prone colour. That's just dandy - my car is minus equity and my bike is a death-trap. I may never leave the house again.