JOHN SHARRYanswers readers' queries
I have three children aged five, three and 18 months. My problem is that I find it very hard to manage their competing demands and they always seem to be fighting and squabbling.
The problem is at its worst when I come in from work in the evening, when the children are swarming all over me demanding my attention. I’m trying to hear the news from the childminder so she can go home, so it is bedlam for a few minutes.
It gets worse when I try to get the dinner ready, as they are all interrupting and it is very stressful and we frequently end up in a big family fight. I know they are just looking for my attention, and I do try to give it to them. But it's hard.
If I try to listen to the three year old, the baby interrupts and can throw a tantrum if I don’t respond immediately. I feel my five year old misses out, because she gives up and withdraws. How can I manage the situation better?
I work full-time and have a great childminder who comes into the home so that part seems to be working okay. My work is pretty stressful and I am aware that this all contributes to the pressure when I come in after a busy day.
A
Managing the demands of three young children is hard at the best of times but add a pressure situation and it can become chaos. Particular flashpoints are getting children up and out in the morning when you are up against the clock and at the arrival home, when the stresses of the day can erupt and children compete for the attention of their parents who in turn have many other tasks to do at the same time.
Many parents report these times as particularly stressful especially if they involve tantrums and outbursts on the part of the children (not to mention those from the parents). So the first thing to realise is that you are not alone and these are common problems and are part and parcel of the hustle and bustle of raising young children.
In trying to manage better, the first thing you can do is to try to prepare for and to anticipate these stressful situations.
If possible, make sure you have a transition from work before you arrive home. Try to have a ritual of leaving the work stresses behind so you can be clear and focused when you come through the door.
Parents I have worked with have created a relaxing routine before they arrive home such as listening to relaxing music in the car, or making a “to-do” list on the bus or taking a 10- minute walk from the bus stop. The aim is to put a boundary around work issues so you can be fully ready for home life.
Second, try to find different and more concise ways of doing the handover with the childminder. For example, as well as a brief conversation you could ask her to make notes on the important news about the children (eg what they have done, need to do) that you could refer to later. Certainly trying to discuss an important issue when the kids are demanding attention can add to the pressure and can increase the likelihood of the children acting out at this time especially if the childminder is sharing information on misbehaviour that day.
For this reason, if there is something important to discuss with the childminder, you could set up an arrangement that she texts or rings you in work for a few minutes to discuss this when the children are settled.
Third, it is important to see your arrival home as a very important time of connection for you and the children. You should see this as your primary responsibility when you come in. It is perfectly understandable that your children are “swarming all over you” and in fact this is a good thing for your relationship with them.
Try to organise things so that you can be totally available to them for at least 30 minutes when you come in from work. This might mean deferring household tasks until after the children are in bed and or, if possible, organising that you have a pre-prepared dinner for them so you don’t have to be distracted by elaborate cooking.
Have a ritual of just sitting and listening to them when you come in. Sit still with them on the sofa, let them swarm all over you and be there to listen to all of them. Initially, they might interrupt and compete but once they realise they have your time and that you are not going anywhere they should begin to settle.
You can also practise switching your attention between them and including them all in the conversation. For example, you could alternate listening between your two older children, while cuddling the baby on your lap. The key is to go with the flow, slow down and enjoy this special “greeting time” with your children.
Finally, do set up a routine for the rest of the evening, which includes a short bit of one-to-one time with all three of them, maybe reading with the eldest, playing a game with the three year old and perhaps physical play with the baby or whatever works for you.
This can work well with the support of your partner or another family member or if you stagger the bedtimes so you get a little bit of one-to-one time with each of them.
In this routine you should also include some down time for yourself or time to chat with your partner so that ideally everyone’s needs are met. Being organised with a good routine like this can really help to make the evening go well.
Dr John Sharry is a social worker and pyschotherapist and director of ParentsPlus charity. His website is solutiontalk.ie.
Readers' queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but John regrets that he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be emailed to healthsupplement@irishtimes.com