ASK THE EXPERT:Your parenting questions answered, by JOHN SHARRY
Q
A few weeks ago, we put our little girl of 18 months in a bath that was probably a bit hot for her. Ever since she seems to be afraid of getting in the bath and cries uncontrollably. Do you have any suggestions on how to get around this?
A
Given your daughter’s fear it can be helpful to take a break from using the bath and to find other ways of keeping her clean for the moment (for example, using a cloth and basin or a shower if she will tolerate this). When reintroducing her to the bath it is best to do it gradually and to only proceed at her pace.
You could start with the preliminary steps of sitting her in front of a basin of soapy water with a sponge and some toys so she can get comfortable with washing her hands, splashing and having fun. You could then get her used to sitting in the bath, but initially without any water, and letting her play with the bath toys. You could then give her jugs of warm water which she can pour into the bath, so she is in charge of how quickly she wants to fill the bath.
If it is hard for her to make the step of getting in the bath, you could get in first so she can see that all is okay. Then you could have your partner around to help her climb in and when she is ready, you can hold her securely on your lap and slowly introduce her into the water at her pace. Let her test the water with her hand and even give her the option of getting out again for a moment.
Often, the most important thing is to manage your own level of anxiety and expectation. If you are stressed and worried about the bath, then this will fuel her worries. Make sure to use a warm reassuring tone of voice – perhaps even sing some favourite songs as she gets into the water. It can also really help to distract her with some special toys that she can only use in the bath such as bath crayons, mirrors, water wheels or whatever else makes her keen and interested.
Preparation is the key to making the restart of bathtime go well. Make sure you have towels and clothes ready, the room at a nice temperature and your partner on hand to help, and so on. The more prepared you are, the more relaxed you will be and the more you will be able to reassure and be present with your daughter – this will all help her relax and enjoy the experience.
Q
My three-and-a-half year old son is absolutely petrified at the thought of toilet training. We have tried several times with him. He becomes anxious, aggressive and even gets to the point of becoming sick (he got a bad viral infection the last time we tried). We have taken nappies off him, bribed him, done reward charts, promised him a much sought after toy – all to no avail. I have physically put him on the toilet and he has weed twice – both accidentally. He was calm afterwards and happy with himself, but back to the same behaviour when the next time comes around. He screams and cries and it is just not worth upsetting him so much. He is back in pull-ups (which he treats as nappies) and is much calmer and happier. We put him back in these on the advice of the local health nurse. Is it possible to start afresh with the training and how should we approach it? He is not allowed into pre-school until he is toilet trained and this worries us as he is in a class in creche for which he is too old.
A
Toilet training is a tricky process to get right and preschoolers frequently resist or develop specific fears about using the toilet. As parents are often under pressure to complete toilet training, the process can easily become a battle of wills which can increase a child’s anxiety which, in turn, makes it harder for the child to relax and use the toilet. As a result I think you are right to take a break from the process and let your son return to pull-ups for a period.
As in the last question, when you do restart toilet training, the key is to approach it gradually. Break the learning process into simple stages which are rewarded and make sure that your child can easily complete the first stages. For example, one child I worked with got his first star on a chart for simply sitting on the toilet while still wearing his nappy, then when he was comfortable with this, he got a star for sitting on the toilet with the nappy half-open, before finally learning to tolerate sitting on the toilet without any nappy at all.
Tune into your child to understand what his specific fears are, so you can understand what the smallest step is for him to learn. It also really helps to think through what rewards your son and what things could make the learning more fun such as playing music in the bathroom, reading books there or being allowed play with a special toy. One parent I worked with put small ping pong balls in the toilet, which her son really enjoyed trying to sink as he did a wee – this simple strategy distracted him from his fears.
Do go back to your public health nurse if problems persist and she may be able to offer more help or make a specialist referral. To take the pressure off, you might also be able to negotiate with the preschool that he could still start even if still using pull-ups (especially if it is short hours and he mostly only needs to be changed at home).
Dr John Sharry is a social worker and psychotherapist and director of Parents Plus charity. His website is solutiontalk.ie.
Readers’ queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but John regrets that he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irishtimes.com