ASK THE EXPERT:Children may benefit from being given a computer game from Santa, writes DAVID COLEMAN
Q My son, who was eight in November, has asked Santa for a Nintendo DS for Christmas.
This is his second year asking for one and he is desperate to get it. I must admit though that I am worried about what Santa might do with his request this year.
My son is very clever (member of the Irish Centre for Talented Youth, CTYI, and IQ of 140) and has already got a very focused personality.
He will happily spend two or three hours at a stretch playing scrabble or chess or the piano or writing stories. He is also quite introverted and, although he has friends at school, he often will spend break-time on his own, playing “inside his head”.
In addition, despite having outgoing parents who love sport, he shows little interest in physical activity, although we encourage him as much as possible and take him and his sister to two or three activities a week (swimming, athletics and rugby).
My head tells me that, despite the best intentions and the strictest rules about when he could use it – and we are good at sticking to our guns with the children – there would still be arguments about using it.
Even if there were no rows, we’d still be the ones taking away the Nintendo when his time was up, making us into the bad guys.
Plus, time that he now spends doing a variety of other things would become “Nintendo time”, thus limiting his range of activities and interests.
However, my heart tells me that if Santa doesn’t get him one, he will be even more “different” from the other kids and I do wonder if having one would give him more to bond with other children about. As well as which it would make him incredibly happy to have one.
Nearly all the children in his class have got one already and of his three close friends who didn’t have them up to now, two are asking for them for Christmas this year.
Finally, he is generally very good, and Santa usually brings good children what they ask for!
A I think you have hit the nail on the head with your last sentence.
For better or for worse Santa will decide whether your son will get the computer console or not.
If you think about it, last year he obviously decided that it wouldn’t be a good thing for your son to have one, possibly based on the reasons why you yourselves are worried about him having one this time around.
If Santa does bring your son the Nintendo this year then I think it might be a good choice for him to make. Let Santa’s heart overrule his head on this occasion.
I don’t usually advocate computer gaming for children as I believe strongly that too much gaming disconnects them from the real world. However, the old adage of “moderation in all things” seems apt for your situation.
Despite my own misgivings about computer games I do also believe that limited computer gaming is not a bad thing.
You already sound like you have clear views about the amount and timing of when that gaming should happen in your house.
If that is the case then, even if Santa does bring him a DS, you can still influence how it gets used.
Don’t feel bad about limiting your son’s use, should he get one, as you are fully entitled, at his age to make those kinds of decisions in his best interest.
Also, if you stick by your principles and your beliefs then your limits are not arbitrary, rather they are considered.
Indeed, in the context of your worries about your son’s connection to the world, your limits on computer gaming are justified.
Certainly never be worried about being cast as the bad guy; we often have to make the tough choices on our children’s behalf. Just stick by your principles.
All of the social reasons you give for why it might be a good thing for him to have the computer game are also reasoned and thoughtful and they make sense. It will certainly mean that your son has another avenue for social connection that actually increases his communication with the world. It may well help him to fit in with the experiences of his friends and that might give him more social confidence and social interest.
I wonder if Santa has already decided about bringing the DS to your son! Maybe he too thinks that this is a better year for your son to have one, despite any misgivings. Just in case he has, I think you should start to prepare the ground with your son and talk about how such a game would get used in the house, should Santa bring it. If the groundwork on rules is done early, then Christmas Day doesn’t get taken up with the creation of rules, rather it gets caught up in the fun of children who have been good and are being justly rewarded.
David Coleman is a clinical psychologist and broadcaster. Readers’ queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irishtimes.com
www.davidcoleman.ie