ASK THE EXPERT: Separation anxiety is natural and is to be expected, but it's unlikely a child will be traumatised by it
Q I am a full-time mother in the home to a three-and-a-half year-old boy and a two-year-old boy. The two year old suffered badly with infant reflux until he was approximately 15 months. He was breastfed until he was a little over one year and never left my side day and night. I was his only comfort, solace and escape from the awful pain he was in as medications helped little until he eventually grew out of it. As you can expect, that year was difficult for all as my ability to leave him with grandparents and family to babysit was hampered in part as he was very fussy and because there was a fear he could not be settled.
He has been sporadically minded since he was about 17 or 18 months by my mother who is great with him but it was clear that he is/was very very anxious when I was not present. As he has got older, he is more easily distracted in play by the occasional babysitter but he can be desperately clingy and is sometimes very upset upon my leaving and returning.
I wonder is he now so incredibly dependent on me for security that it causes him great emotional trauma and anxiety to have me gone? Is it possible to have a child so over-attached to a primary carer that it becomes a negative developmental issue for that child? If so, what can I do to help him become more comfortable in himself so that his distress, especially at this stage, doesn’t kind of imprint itself going forward?
AYes, it is possible that your son is dependent on you for his security and, as a result, he really feels the anxiety of separation from you very strongly. Will he be traumatised by such separation? I don't think so. Children who are securely attached will always show anxiety when their parents are not present.
Separation anxiety is very natural and to be expected. The reason children protest at the initial separation is obvious, they are upset by the “loss” of their parent and instinctively worry about how they will cope. The reason they get upset on their parent’s return is almost as a way of saying “I am cross with you for leaving me” and also possibly because, having coped for the time you were gone, they feel relief at your return and unconsciously don’t feel the need to cope any more.
Your son sounds like he had great need for lots of emotional support and comfort when he was an infant. Thankfully you were in the lucky position of being able to offer him the closeness and comfort he needed. I would imagine that, because of your consistent responding to his needs, he developed a secure attachment.
In terms of attachment theory, being clingy is not a sign of insecurity; it is merely a sign that a child wants their parent around to help them regulate their emotions. Indeed, we often forget that little boys need lots of closeness and especially the security of their mother.
Most securely attached infants and toddlers will cling to their parent at times of stress or threat. Once the threat passes or they become used to a situation they usually then feel confident to explore further from their parent, with the occasional return to closeness, just for reassurance.
Most parents try to encourage their children to become less clingy as they get older so that they can have the most opportunity to explore their world. This naturally happens for toddlers as they move to preschool age. Indeed the so-called “terrible twos” is often the result of toddlers’ efforts to assert their own will in their first attempts to move to greater independence and separateness from their parent.
I would expect, therefore, that your son will move into this stage over the next while and so he will, himself, desire to be more separate from you. However, it is completely normal for boys, especially, to demonstrate separation anxiety up to the age of about three years.
Because your son relied so heavily on you to meet his needs in the past, he may still need to rely on his other carers for a bit of emotional comfort, reassurance and to help him regulate his feelings. This is not a bad thing – it just requires a bit more effort from whoever minds him to help him feel secure. In other words, it is important that those who he stays with exude confidence in their ability to mind him.
You, too, need to be confident in his ability to cope in times of separation and then give time for the reunion afterwards. I believe he will grow through this stage in his life at his own pace and you probably need do little beyond what you do now.
David Coleman is a clinical psychologist and broadcaster. Readers’ queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irishtimes.com