MARIA HOUSDEN lost her daughter when she was three years old. Hannah was diagnosed with a Rhabdoid tumour of the kidney, an aggressive and rare form of cancer at the age of two.
Housden, the author of the best-selling book, Hannah's Gift: Lessons from a Life Fully Lived, feels that grieving parents need to trust their instincts at this time of year. "Give yourself permission to do whatever feels best and right for you," she says.
“Consider adopting new rituals or traditions that recognise and honour your child’s life: light candles, attend bereavement support holiday services, donate a gift to a needy child your child’s age, set an extra place at the dinner table.”
Housden has found that every year since Hannah’s death 16 years ago has been different as both her grief and her life have changed. “When grief was raw, every happiness was dulled by sadness. I felt guilty if I did not grieve.
“Even so, every Christmas Eve since Hannah’s death, her stocking is hung on the fireplace alongside the others, and every Christmas morning we add another angel ornament to the tree,” she says.
“I no longer bother with shopping, ‘shoulds’, and to-do lists. Christmas for me means appreciating loved ones and nature, a shared meal, good music, prayer and lighting candles, and a Christmas tree with white lights and angels,” she says.
Mary Ryan, from New Ross, Co Wexford, lost her daughter Nicola, eight years ago at the age of 14. She says that it is possible to celebrate Christmas while still honouring Nicola’s memory.
“Christmas has changed and how we cope with it has changed as well,” says Ryan. “For the first two Christmases following Nicola’s death, we didn’t stay here. We weren’t running away – which is how some people might have seen it – because the pain goes with you.
“We just needed a break from the grieving and we decided to go skiing because it is so active. It was important for our other children to have a break too.”
Time has enabled the Ryans to cope with Christmas in Ireland again. “Now on Christmas Day we can stay here, but we always raise a glass and say Nicola’s name and talk about her.
“We always visit the grave and I put a Christmas tree on it. I always write her a Christmas card and leave a little teddy on her grave as well.”
Ryan and her husband Nick launched the charity Compassionate Friends in memory of Nicola on what would have been her 21st birthday. Now they help other bereaved parents to cope with their loss.
“Last week we had a service and although it was so sad and we were tearful, it was as if all our children were with us,” says Ryan.
“We were all there to support each other. We have people we can relate to and know that we are not alone and that it is okay to cry.”
A DIFFICULT TIME: COMING TO TERMS WITH A CHILD’S DEATH
* Expect less of yourself and your spouse. Don’t expect Christmas to be the same, but that doesn’t mean you can’t find some pleasure in the day, no matter how small.
* If you don’t want to send Christmas cards, don’t. No one will expect cards or presents, especially if your bereavement is within the last year.
* If you do send cards, don’t be frightened of writing your child’s name on them along with other family members. The recipients will understand your need to include your child.
* If you find your old family traditions too painful to recreate without your child, work at creating new ones.
* Buy a gift for someone in need or make a charity donation in your child’s name in place of their Christmas present.
* Place a small Christmas tree on their grave or buy a tree ornament with their name on it for your tree at home.
* Avoid over-indulging in alcohol – it won’t help you or your family to block out the pain.
* Leave your child’s stocking out as usual and use it as a talking point for when visitors arrive. Sometimes family and friends avoid talking about a missing loved one and they need prompts to make the conversation happen.
* Avoid scenarios that might be difficult: carol services, nativity plays or Christmas parties. Know your limitations and explain to others that Christmas is a difficult time.
* If you have other children, try to ensure that they are supported in their grief too. They will miss their sibling and may be unable to express how they are feeling.
Compassionate Friends, Ardross, New Ross, Co Wexford.
See compassionatefriendsireland.ie
Hannah's Gift: Lessons from a Life Fully Livedis published by Bantam/Harper Collins UK
