Issue of domestic violence looming larger at marriage counselling, says bishop

Issues of domestic violence, housing and budgeting are increasingly common features coming up in marriage counselling sessions, a Catholic bishop has said.

Bishop Denis Nulty of Kildare & Leighlin, president of the Accord Catholic Marriage Care Service, said domestic violence is a “silent pandemic” and urged victims to seek help and remember that they are not alone.

The bishop was speaking at the annual blessing of couples beside the remains of St Valentine in the Church of Our Lady of Mount Carmel on Dublin’s Whitefriar Street, ahead of Valentine’s Day.

New figures show that while numbers attending pre-marriage preparation courses fell during the pandemic, the service has since bounced back. A total of 4,610 couples attended 285 Accord marriage preparation courses last year, the same number as in 2019. The one-day group sessions aim to prepare couples for marriage and address issues such as communication, parenthood, sexuality and conflict management.

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“The numbers are steady,” Bishop Nulty said. “Obviously in recent years they have declined because people have more options of how they can celebrate their wedding, but we are delighted to welcome those who come, and the important thing for us is to see they are very well prepared and supported [for marriage].”

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Most recent statistics from the Central Statistics Office show that in 2021 there were 17,217 marriages, with 3,963 couples attending Accord’s pre-marriage courses that year.

Some 60 per cent of those who attended pre-marriage courses last year were in their 30s, 28 per cent were in their 20s and 6 per cent were in their 50s. Three in 10 couples had been together for three to five years and 44 per cent had been for six to 10 years. A quarter of participants already had children from current relationships, while 7 per cent had children from previous relationships.

[ ‘I listened for the way he would close the door... I knew by that simple action how my evening was going to play out’ ]

A number of couples brought their wedding rings to receive blessings from Bishop Nulty beside the remains of St Valentine on Monday.

Among them were Ilona Dorrepaal and Patrick Lennon, who met in the Gaeltacht in Dingle while they were in college. They said the decision to get married in a church was “never really a conversation, it was always going to happen”.

“I didn’t pass one of the years, so I got held back a year in college and ended up in Ilona’s year,” Mr Lennon said of how they met.

Ms Dorrepaal added: “He was the only new person there, and I said, ‘Who is he?’ and then we had céilís and stuff, and kind of talked more over that time, and then we went out then soon after that.”

The couple now teach in Catholic-ethos schools in Dublin, having both studied primary teaching in Marino. Both of their mothers are “really religious”, with Mr Lennon’s mother serving as a Eucharistic minister and singing in her local church in Maynooth.

Wedding planning has been smoother sailing for Mr Lennon than for Ms Dorrepaal, who said he has “the easy job” with “everything booked” already.

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“Ilona’s very organised, so once the ring went on the finger, pretty much, she was out looking at make-up artists and photographers and bands and stuff, so she is very on the ball,” he added.

Orla Gavin and Patrick (PJ) Corcoran, who met in the Stables Club in Limerick 4½ years ago on the night before they were due to start college, got engaged on September 16th last, four years “and a week” after they first met.

“He waited another week, just to be sure...So you know, people say ‘take a week,’ and he took a week,” Ms Gavin said. “With Irish tradition, so many of your big things happen around the church, like your christening, your communion; the happy and the sad stuff, it just makes sense, doesn’t it?

“But, if you are being black and white, it does stretch out the day a bit longer, so I think your wedding day, you blink and it’s over, so it just makes the whole thing a bit more of a day, rather than an hour, which is good.”

Victims of domestic abuse should immediately call gardaí at 999, and help can be sought from Women’s Aid at 1800 341 900 or Men’s Aid at 01 554 3811