I’ve been faking my orgasms for years — how do I tell my husband?

Dear Roe,

I have been with my husband for eight years, married for three. I love him deeply and we have a great relationship. I have had a difficult few years. I lost my job during Covid and also had a parent die. My husband has been endlessly supportive of me grieving and trying to figure out what I want to do next. I have been going to therapy and it has been really helpful in many ways and I am trying to make decisions that are good for my wellbeing. One thing that my husband is not aware of is that I have been faking my orgasms for most of our relationship. I enjoy sex with him, but when we first started sleeping together I faked it and that just never really stopped. I had two other serious relationships before him and I faked too, but I want to be more honest and I want our sex life to be different. My husband has been trying to please me and I know he will continue to, but I feel like he will be really hurt and even betrayed that I’ve been lying for so long. I really don’t have any excuse, he has always been wonderful and non-judgmental so I should have been honest. It’s been so long now that I don’t think I can really tell him the truth but I don’t know how I can change things without coming clean.

First things first: forgive yourself for faking. You say you have no excuse, but actually, you and many, many other women have been actively encouraged to fake orgasms for a long time. Of course, women are not explicitly told to fake orgasms, but centuries of social messaging have told women that their pleasure is less important than that of men; that their sexuality is “difficult” and “mysterious” and so they can’t expect to experience pleasure all the time; and that the sexual satisfaction and ego-management of male partners should be their focus and priority. Even our understanding of biology and anatomy deprioritises women’s pleasure. About 80 per cent of women struggle to orgasm from vaginal sex alone and need clitoral stimulation — but despite this, a 2019 YouGov survey showed that 31 per cent of male participants could not identify the clitoris on an anatomy chart, and the clitoris is still often not referenced in sexual education. These omissions erase and deprioritise women’s pleasure from basic sex education, leaving it up to women to have the confidence and safety to educate adult men about basic anatomy.

Women who have sex with men are having far fewer orgasms than anyone else, and it’s not because of anything inherent or biological, but the dynamics between men and women

This can go some of the way towards explaining why the orgasm gap exists: studies have shown that while 95 per cent of heterosexual men said they usually or always orgasmed when sexually intimate, followed by 89 per cent of gay men, 88 per cent of bisexual men, and 86 per cent of lesbian women, only 66 per cent of bisexual women and 65 per cent of straight women said the same. Frankly, women who have sex with men are having far fewer orgasms than anyone else, and it’s not because of anything inherent or biological, but the dynamics between men and women that prevent them from prioritising women’s pleasure.

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There are many reasons why women fake orgasms, and I think it will be important to you to figure out what your own reasons have been. A study by Erin Cooper and colleagues published in the Archives of Sexual Behaviour surveyed hundreds of predominantly heterosexual college women who had faked an orgasm at least once. The researchers asked them to rank 163 reasons for faking orgasms during oral and vaginal sex, and found some common motivations. For penetrative sex, the most common reasons for faking orgasms were: to make her partner feel good; to help turn herself on; because she’s insecure or afraid; or to make the sex stop. During oral sex, other top reasons included being embarrassed or self-conscious; and because she’s worried that she can’t reach orgasm. Note that trying to make sex stop was a top reason for women to fake an orgasm during penetrative sex, while embarrassment was a top reason for faking an orgasm during oral sex. The former shows us how often women are socialised to pretend to enjoy sex, while the latter is likely linked to the shame women are encouraged to feel about their vaginas and feeling self-conscious about the amount of time it takes to orgasm, which is of course linked to women’s belief that they deserve effort and pleasure.

These issues are gendered, but of course this doesn’t mean that all individual men are to blame — if women are faking orgasms, male partners could of course understandably believe that they are pleasing their partner and repeat actions that aren’t that pleasurable, or skip things like foreplay or sex toys.

But to change this pattern, you have to make some changes. Think about the reasons you have been faking orgasms, and how you can change the situation. If you’re faking to make sex stop, does that mean you’re having more sex than you’re enthusiastic about, or is the sex you’re having uncomfortable or going on too long to be pleasurable? Could you communicate that without faking? If it’s to make your partner feel good, how can sex be about connection and enjoying what is happening rather than trying to manage his emotions? Can you learn how to prioritise genuine orgasms while also accepting that sometimes it won’t happen, so that you can both still remain present when you are having sex without restoring to faking?

Once you’ve thought about your reasons, you have two options. One is to have an open, honest conversation with your partner where you tell them that you love him and love having sex with him, but that through therapy you have realised that for various reasons (explain here), you’ve faked orgasms in the past and would like to stop. Stress that you confiding this and wanting to change the situation is a testament to how much love, respect and safety you feel with your partner and that you want the kind of honest, fulfilling sex life you’ve never had with anyone before.

Now, your partner may very understandably feel thrown by this revelation, and feel hurt or embarrassed that they thought you have been having orgasms a-plenty. Let them feel their feelings and move through that, while stressing the external pressures on women to fake, and that it’s not a personal slight — and again, that you love them and your relationship so much that you want the situation to change.

I’d always urge you to choose honesty and vulnerability, particularly given that you’re in a new stage of emotional honesty and personal fulfilment

The alternative is that you could simply lie and tell them that sex feels different recently and you’re reacting differently so would like to play around with new techniques, positions, sex toys and activities to see what feels good. This isn’t entirely untruthful — you are feeling differently about your sex life! And people go through all kinds of changes that can alter what feels good for them.

I’d always urge you to choose honesty and vulnerability, particularly given that you’re in a new stage of emotional honesty and personal fulfilment, but if you feel safer or more comfortable with the lie, it’s an option.

Either way, I really want you to acknowledge and be proud of this huge transformation that you’re undertaking, both individually and in your relationship. It takes real courage to start asking for what you want and believing yourself worthy of it. Keep going to therapy — and if a couples’ therapist or sex therapist feels like it could also help you and your husband navigate these changes, that could be a great idea.

Your relationship with your husband sounds wonderful. Here’s wishing you years of happiness and pleasure together.