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Dear Roe,
I am 36 and my boyfriend is 40. We have been together three years. He is kind, smart and caring, with good traditional values. We usually get on very well. Lately, I am becoming increasingly worried that our relationship is stagnating. I’ve tried mentioning this to him but it stresses him out. He has been trying to establish his own business for a number of years. He has put a lot of energy into it but the business is not yet up and running and thus, no income is being generated. This is the elephant in the room when it comes to progressing our relationship, I think. I own my own house and would love for him to move in (he’d be contributing). I keep suggesting that it would be good progress for us, and it seems bizarre that he would continue paying high rent instead of moving in with me. His rationale is that he wants financial stability before he moves in. Our relationship seems dependent on this business being a success and this worries me. Kids are absolutely out of the question right now but I’m so aware of my age and that kids may not be a viable option if we wait too long. Should I continue to hope that there’s a future for us, or should I consider ending things? I don’t see him moving in any time soon and giving him an ultimatum wouldn’t be my style. I am also concerned about knocking him when he’s down. Am I fooling myself by keeping this relationship going?
When it comes to the dreams and ambitions of our partners, there is a common narrative that we must support them endlessly and make sacrifices to help them achieve their goals. And for some relationships and some dreams, that is a beautiful way to move through life’s challenges together. You have already been through a lot together and he has supported and helped you in your journey of home ownership and difficulties at work, which you detail in your letter.
But the narrative of support needs to be complicated, because it’s much easier to take on risks and have no end-date for financial and career instability when you’re 22 with few responsibilities and no desire for children or stability in the near future. When you are 36, hoping to have a family and want your relationship to grow and evolve, the story of sacrifice gets more complicated – and it’s a story that shouldn’t only be yours. Right now, you are sacrificing your desire for the relationship to progress in terms of your boyfriend moving in with you; you are sacrificing certainty about the future; you are sacrificing the possibility of having children with this man; you are sacrificing literal time, which is important always, and more pressing when you are thinking about children; you’re sacrificing clear communication and transparency around this “elephant in the room”; and I’ll bet that you’re sacrificing a lot of smaller experiences you would like, too – quality time together, holidays, experiences you want to have before having children. My worry is that you are sacrificing both your present and your future for his possible dream future, and this is too much. This doesn’t mean that your boyfriend’s goal and ambition is bad, simply that right now, your life goals and vision for the future may be incompatible.
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[ More Ask Roe: relationship advice ]
Research has been done on the idea of sacrifice in relationships. In a paper published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, social psychologists Emily Impett, Paul Van Lange and Caryl Rusbult suggest that sacrificing for someone you love may show them you care, may strengthen your bond and may even make you feel good about yourself. But their studies also reveal that if you find yourself always being the one who sacrifices – or if you feel forced to make a sacrifice – then you should tread with caution. They also highlight that the positive impacts of sacrifice in a relationship are hugely affected by the level of commitment in a relationship.
You are being supportive and sacrificing a huge amount for your boyfriend – and my question is, what sacrifices is he willing to make for you? The responsibility to be supportive is not yours alone. He, too, needs to support you and your dreams, your desires, your life plan. And while you are sacrificing a lot by making a commitment to his future as a businessman, what commitments is he making to you as a partner and your relationship, now and in the future? You want to move in together, you want your relationship to progress, you want children – but his commitment to that idea is entirely conditional, and is centred on the hypothetical success of his business. These commitments are entirely conditional on something that is outside both of your control, and has no time limit. This doesn’t seem sustainable for you, and you need to start being very honest with yourself, and each other. As ever, a therapist and/or couples counsellor may help you navigate these big issues.
The responsibility to be supportive is not yours alone. He, too, needs to support you and your dreams, your desires, your life plan. What commitments is he making to you as a partner and your relationship, now and in the future?
For you, one question you need to ask yourself is this: if nothing in his life changes, would you still want to be with him? If life with him was, as it can be for entrepreneurs, a series of fits and starts and uncertainty and financial instability, would you be you willing to stay? If you are willing to stay, for how long? A year or forever? If you stayed with him, could you find a way to pursue your own dreams? Could you accept the reality of his business being uncertain and have children with him anyway?
Some of these questions need to be answered with him – and he has to answer some questions for you. What timeline can he offer you? What commitments is he ready to make to you now, even in the midst of his business being uncertain? Is he willing to commit to your relationship, let it grow and evolve, and start planning for a life together, regardless of the outcome of his business – or is he asking you to wait indefinitely for an ideal future that may not arrive? What is he willing to sacrifice – pride, idealism, control – in order to support you and the dreams you have for your life and this relationship? He’s committed to building a business, but how is he prioritising building a life with you?
His future business is a hypothetical. But your present is happening now, and your future is in the balance. Don’t sacrifice your entire life dream for one person’s business goal. Make sure you’re doing what’s right for both of you as individuals – together or separately.