Co-parenting: ‘We always put our children’s needs before our own, so we could see the bigger picture’

Relationships can be complicated and while most people believe they will have a long happy future together, things don’t always work out that way. While splitting up is never easy, when children are involved it becomes a whole lot more difficult.

It is estimated that one in four families in Ireland is a one-parent family with more than 86 per cent of those headed by a mother and the remainder with a father at the parenting helm.

So while in the majority of cases, the children live with their mother after a relationship breaks down, more and more couples are choosing to share custody so children get to spend equal time with both parents.

We spoke to two fathers to find out what this arrangement is like for them.

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Living in Carlow, Peter Pudaite has two sons — Isaac (10) and Eli (13) — who he shared equal responsibility for with their mother Caroline. But since the couple split up, the marketing consultant at Lucidity Factory looks after the children full-time when they are in his care. “Since splitting up with the boys’ mother, they stay half the time with me and half with her. We share many of the tasks of running the household, although Caroline looks after the laundry and online shopping, and she also steps in to help with the boys on days when I’m physically exhausted or have meetings that I’ve no control over.

“I’m very much involved with the boys lives, we prepare meals together, watch movies at weekends and play games,” he says. “I am their taxi driver for their karate classes, party events and medical appointments and make an effort to be present as much as I can — even if sometimes that means juggling my work hours, working either very early morning or very late at night depending on my workload. Being self-employed at least allows me to have some control over my working hours. I think full-time dads are rare, but there is an increased acceptance and expectation of fathers taking more responsibility than in the past. And certainly, during the height of the pandemic, it was more common and accepted for men to schedule their work around their children’s responsibilities.

“There is definitely a shift in attitude, (although it would probably still raise eyebrows if a dad scaled back their work hours to take on more responsibility for the kids) and I think this is from the necessity of both parents having to work and a heightened expectation of gender equity in the workplace and public space which is transferring to gender roles at home.

Children and adults learn from each other and this can only be enriching

—  Peter Pudaite

“I think this is better all round as spending more time, whether it’s wiping snots or ferrying the kids around, brings everyone closer together with shared experiences and the bond that comes with it. Children and adults learn from each other and this can only be enriching.

“My advice to other dads who will be spending more time raising their children is to do what is right for your family and let everything else work around this priority. Also, I would suggest honing project management skills and make lots of lists — from shopping to learning all the names of Pokémon characters — but most of all, savour your time with your kids, their future is now, so be there with them.”

Martin Dixon lives in Dublin with his partner Sofia and their two-year-old son, Max. He has two other children (aged 15 and 17) from a previous relationship and says that spending “proper time” with them was the most important factor to consider when he split from their mother. “My ex-wife and I got together when we were in our early 20s and it wasn’t long before she became pregnant and we had to make a decision about our future, sooner rather than later. Our families expected us to get married and we kind of just went along with it as it seemed the right thing to do at the time.

“But it wasn’t the right decision for us as my ex gave up work to look after our daughter and then when our second child arrived less than two years later, she was totally swamped with it all and really unhappy with life. We spent more time arguing than anything else and it wasn’t a good environment for the kids. So when she told me that she had found someone else and wanted out of the marriage, I was sad, but I thought it was probably the best thing for all of us.

“We decided there and then that having a happy upbringing was all we wanted for the girls, so because we got on well as friends and parted amicably, we were able to put a plan together.

“Of course, it was difficult at the time as we had to fund two homes, but I had a good job so I was able to find a place close by with a spare room and she moved in with her boyfriend so things worked out in that respect.

“Right from the start, we made sure we had equal time with the girls and over the years, it has worked out well. Of course, sometimes we have to change things due to our work schedules or if one of us is going on holiday or wants a weekend away with our partner, but we have managed really well to keep everything running smoothly between us.

“We have both moved houses since but still live fairly close to each other, so the kids have rooms in both homes and can go to and from school regardless of which one of us they are with. They have friends stay over in my house, just as much as they do in my ex’s and while sometimes both girls are here and vice versa, there are times when they like to split their week up so they can have some time out from each other and spend more time with one or other of their parents (or, lately it’s to have uninterrupted time with friends).

“I think the fact that we always put our children’s needs before our own, meant that we could see the bigger picture and knew that if even if we were annoyed or irritated by something the other one said or did, we would try and park it so that it didn’t affect the girls’ schedule. Sometimes that was quite difficult, but because we were both ultimately on the same page, we always managed to rise above it.

“This has meant that the girls have always had a strong relationship with both of us — and although it has sometimes been really hard (for us, as their separated parents) to always be in full agreement, we try to have a united front when it comes to big decisions (even if we have argued about it in private).

“Both my ex and I have new partners and other children and while we don’t all get together as one big happy family, we know that our daughters feel safe and secure with each of us individually and with their new siblings and step-parents. It has taken some work and a good deal of patience to make this happen but I think co-parenting is very do-able, providing everyone does their best to respect each other and put the needs of the children first and foremost.”

What is often required is that parents use their empathy and knowledge of their children to figure out what would best suit their children’s needs

—  Psychotherapist Stella O'Malley

Stella O’Malley, psychotherapist and author of several books, including Cotton Wool Kids, agrees and says while sharing custody can be difficult, it can also work out well for all concerned, providing emotions are kept in check and the children’s needs are met.

“What is often required is that parents use their empathy and knowledge of their children to figure out what would best suit their children’s needs,” she says. “The adults need to keep the children’s need for stability, security and close relationships with both parents at the front and centre of the decision-making process. And having similar rewards, discipline and sanctions between households can provide consistency and stability for the child.

“It’s also helpful for children to see the parents working together — even when they disagree as this provides good role modelling for the kids. Sadly, all this can be very difficult to achieve and often parents need to acknowledge to their children that the situation is not ideal so that the child is given permission to express their frustration when things aren’t working out.”