Up for the UN job, maybe

FANS OF this newspaper's Chief Speculative Correspondent, Ms Merry Robin, will be delighted to hear that Merry, formerly Deputy Editor, Casual Assumptions, is now tipped for the top level post of UN Secretary General of Speculative Affairs. I asked her to elaborate on the good news:

Merry, can we take it that you are indeed up for the job?

I am not a candidate or seeking the position. I have made it clear that my focus is on completing my present marking. There are many speculative reporters of my stature whom I am sure could do the UN job just as well as I would, or nearly.

How do you respond to the suggestion that overt attempts at damping down speculation about the UN job serve only to heighten interest?

Let me remind you again that my area of expertise is Speculative Affairs and your question is really more appropriate for our Popular Psychology correspondent, Stu Pidfachs.

But it is true that informal approaches have been made to you regarding the job?

You probably heard that from our Informal Approaches Editor, Maggie Ruff, who seems to regard even shared office lunches as part of her watching brief. Obviously one hears comments and remarks all the time, few of them of any importance, unlike the nature of articulate self definition and the dialogue between past and present plus spacious contextualism.

So you just might go for the job?

I have a very strong commitment to speculative minority rights, I can't deny it. So if I went to the wire about this position, I would have to weigh all the options, which would be very difficult. Really I am just a modest witness with a little time to think.

You mean you know little or nothing about international speculation?

That is not what I mean at all.

So what exactly is an informal approach?

Maggie is our expert here but - simply put, it means any approach not actually known to the press but nevertheless to be mentioned at all costs.

An informal approach has nothing to do with casual apparel, finger food, buffet receptions or small talk?

No.

What about tree-lined avenues?

If longer than 200 metres and leading to an attractive dwelling such as Aras an Uachtarain, for example, such an avenue would constitute a formal approach. Anything less may be considered informal.

So it is untrue that speculative reporters lack a sense of humour?

I beg your pardon?

Never mind. What about suggestions that the whole campaign of speculation is orchestrated?

Orchestration has an undeserved bad name, it is in fact a highly technical process which deals with organising things to secure the best effect.

Machiavelli has no role then?

To the best of my knowledge there is no earthly chance of the job going to an Italian.

If you, I mean one, were to actively seek the position, what does one think it should entail?

The role of Secretary General of Speculative Affairs should clearly involve the search for a global ethic and all sorts of social cohesiveness with a bit of religion, preferably non aligned and with respect for the secular tradition, I imagine.

You would devote your career to the notion that people should be really nice to each other?

Precisely.

Do you think it possible that the present incumbent may be denied a second term in office?

I hardly think it would be would appropriate for me to speculate on such a possibility.

But your whole business is speculation.

You're quite right and I take your point. It is indeed possible the present UN incumbent may be deposed and frankly it isn't a bad idea either. One imagines that might be upsetting for him but one is trained to steel oneself to hardship.

One is?

Well he ought to be, he's 73 after all. Anyway, retirement these days can be a very fulfilling option leading often to deep involvement in all sorts of social cohesiveness and spiritual stock taking with of course a proper respect for the secular tradition.

Tell me, Merry, you have strong allies in the influential Rumour Foundation, the Story Placement Institution and the International Ground Preparation Congress. Will they be powerful enough to get you elected?

They better be! That was a joke. J-O-K-E, have you got that? But as you know, the decision, if one were to allow one's name go forward, really rests with the "Big Five" on the Speculation Council.

What about the mood in the corridors?

I'm afraid that is outside my area and I have to refer you to our Mood in the Corridors Correspondent.