Secret spoofers

Reviewed - The Sentinel: Wrap it up in extra-large tinfoil and whack it in the oven. This jaw-droppingly useless thriller - an unhappy amalgam of In the Line of Fire and Last of the Summer Wine - proves to be a turkey of quite monstrous proportions.

Some praise should, nonetheless, be directed towards its two stars.

Michael Douglas and Kiefer Sutherland, playing warring members of that division of the Secret Service concerned with protecting the president, deliver consistently hilarious dialogue with faces straighter than even Leslie Nielsen can muster. "He was my best friend for 10 years until he slept with my wife," Agent Kiefer Exposition growls. "Aha. Taken with a night-vision lens from a boat with a gyroscopic stabiliser," Douglas, clearly a disciple of Tom Clancy, remarks after one glance at an interesting photograph.

The film's highlight comes, however, courtesy of a comment Sutherland, following much violent inconvenience, is driven to make to his elfin new assistant, Eva Longoria. "You picked a hell of a day to start field work," he remarks, thus summoning up uncomfortable memories of George Kennedy in the Airplane films. This demonstrates a degree of hubris on the film-makers' part comparable to that displayed by U2 when, following a similar sequence in Spinal Tap, they dared to visit Elvis's grave for Rattle and Hum.

Mind you, a glance at Douglas's stretched face and oddly tiny eyes - are we allowed to mention piss-holes in the snow? - suggests that, even if he did recognise the inadvertent comedy running through the dialogue, he might not be capable of cracking a smile. Douglas, his overall aspect now calling to mind a boiled version of his father, stars as a veteran agent with an uncomfortable secret. While the rest of his colleagues are searching for a mole in the Secret Service, he is carrying on an affair with First Lady Kim Basinger. Well, I suppose if he can manage that at his age he can make a stab at frustrating the odd assassination attempt.

Still, if I was an al-Qaeda operative in the Washington area, I think I might fancy my chances.