This week CON TEXT explains PLODDLEDYGOOK
Sounds like some nonsensical creation of Lewis Carroll.
Beware the Ploddledygook!
It is nonsensical, all right. But if you want to
find the perpetrator of this particular linguistic crime, look no
further than your local police station.
What, you mean police jargon? Sure, we've been dealing with
that for years.
We're well used to cops "proceeding in a southerly
direction" instead of walking down O'Connell Street, "exiting the
vehicle" instead of getting out of the car, or "apprehending a
party in the commission of a disturbance" instead of arresting
someone for fighting. But now the police have hit on new ways to
leave us completely confusticated.
I'm intrigued. Please proceed.
In a move designed to instil fresh confidence in the
public, Norfolk police have renamed their control room "Citizen
Focus Command". And Essex police have decided that "victim of
crime" is too negative a term, so they've decided that anybody
who's been burgled, mugged or assaulted is a "customer".
What, has the British police force been bought out by
Tesco?
You'd have more chance of finding a Tesco open late
than a police station, if the PR guff is anything to go by. The
Essex police website boasts that 12 of their 47 stations are "open
around the clock". Sceptics have pointed out that this is just
another way of saying 75 per cent of stations in Essex are closed
at night.
Sceptics? Who would doubt the word of an honest-to-goodness
bobby?
The Plain English Campaign (PEC) has condemned what
it calls "ploddledygook", and accused police of ratcheting up the
jargon to cover up their inability to tackle crime. They point to
such meaningless statements as: "The ambition of Lincolnshire
Police is to: focus on the citizen, deliver excellent performance
and so inspire confidence among the people we serve." A
spokesperson for the PEC commented: "Interesting that they don't
appear to aspire to catch criminals."
Are you suggesting that these promises are largely
fictional?
Many would prefer if the real police force was more
like the TV series
Life on Mars, where cops are cops and criminals are
"scumbags". Instead, they have such creatures as Head of Protective
Services, Director of Criminal Justice Change and Director of
Knowledge Architecture.
Help! Head of Protective Services! I'm being attacked!
Doesn't have the same ring. No, but "Working
Together for a Safer London" has a certain ring to it. Metropolitan
Commissioner Sir Ian Blair forked out thousands to put the
"together" in. Some might say it's a neat way of shifting the
responsibility for stopping crime away from the Director of
Knowledge Architecture. The PEC spokesperson said: "If police
forces are wasting public money churning out this rubbish, it's no
wonder they have problems."
Try at work:
You say your car has been stolen? We'll send out a
press release.
Try at home:
Darling, there's a Deceleration Enforcement Manager at the
door about your speeding ticket.
