Code of Conduvct

Belinda McKeon writes this week's guide to etiquette for modern living

5. Attending first nights

1 First night is invite night, so yes, that probably is Gay Byrne over there. If you must gawk, get it over with before the show begins.

2 Choose your companion carefully. Your mother will always ask loud questions, like whether the actors are from Fair City.

3 Don't slurp. Or chew. Or chomp. Or choke: it's hard not to wish an immediate cessation of Arts Council funding to institutions selling sweets and ice creams during the interval.

4 Unwrap sweets as quickly as possible, if you do have to get your sugar high.

5 No, you're not supposed to clap at the end of scenes. Or when somebody sings onstage: sit on your hands.

6 If the person beside you is wearing an expression of stony-faced indifference, you've found the critic. Strike up a jolly conversation. They'll despise you for it.

7 If you find yourself beside The Outraged Citizen, place your foot discreetly on their coat hem or handbag strap as they attempt to make a dramatic exit.

8 Next to the blustering walk-out, the slow hand clap is the rudest possible way of responding to a play: if you didn't like what you saw, just keep your applause short.

9 Approach a post-performance wine reception with caution. There may be air-kissing. There may be that guy from Fair City: this is a lethal combination.

10 Throwing plates of curry over the heads of artistic directors is a risky business: you could break a valuable plate.