THE Impartial Reporter asked the vexing question: "Is Northern Ireland's Most Eligible Bachelor hiding his talent under some bush in Fermanagh?" Surely it meant bushel, but never mind. Wherever he is hiding, Northern Woman magazine, intends to find him.

It has organised an "eligible bachelor" competition with a first prize of a £5,000 African safari. These days, said the Impartial Reporter, eligible bachelors "won't take their shirts off for anything less". And sure enough in a two nipple shot on page seven of the newspaper, last year's Fermanagh entrant in the "most eligible bachelor" contest is shown ripping off his shirt.

Along with the attractive chest, the newspaper said, as well as being "bright and caring" any contestant must be a great lover of women", just in case anyone was wondering.

A SCHEME to sell one acre of "mountainy" land in west Kerry for $1.4 million was reported by the Kerryman.

The seller of the one acre site near Dunquin will have to sell the entire acre in the form of 43,560 single square foot plots at $32 each before he can become a millionaire.

A Dublin based photographer, Bob O'Connor, who conceived the idea of selling a "Little bit of Ireland", told the Kerryman he began selling the "single square foot plots I4 months ago.

"The response has been very disappointing with about 20 sales to date. The Internet does not seem to be the great and much vaunted marketing tool many people believe it to be," he said.

Included in the $32 price tag is a 10 inch by eight inch colour photograph of the view from the property, a breathtaking expanse of the Blasket Islands. And at 16 inches by 10 inches, the accompanying decorative parchment scroll - inscribed with the landowner's name in old Irish - is larger than the parcel of land.

The Connaught Telegraph reported that An Post is demanding the TV licence fee from a man who has been dead for 25 years. This is the first inkling anyone has had that RTE programmes can be received in the after life. Surely no one will complain any more about the cost of a TV licence, considering the last one you ever buy will last you into eternity?

Seriously, though, Johnny Mee didn't seem quite sure whether to laugh or cry when An Post demanded the licence be paid by his father, Jimmy Mee, who died in 1971 at the age of 73. My father would have seen the funny side of all this. But I can well understand how someone else might have been greatly offended," he said.

Mayo is the only, county which is to declare its beef BSE free, reported the Western People, Mayo beef escaped infection because farmers in the county feed their cattle nuts rather than bone meal. Local IFA chairman, Mr Brendan O'Mahony, said farmers were delighted with their BSE free status and believe they now have an advantage with the consumer.

HEROIN dealers are offering "free samples" to young people in Athlone in order to get them hooked, the Westmeath Independent reported. And when gardai raided a rave in Mullingar, they found ecstasy and cannabis freely available.

"Senior Garda sources have told the Westmeath Independent of their genuine shock and upset at the sight of young teenagers at the rave in various stages of undress, out of their minds' on ecstasy at the height of the party," said the newspaper.

With Hallowe'en and the early fall of darkness comes the annual outpouring of apprehension. "It's the saddest scenario of all in the Nineties, this realisation that so many of our elderly people are leading lives of undiluted terror through the long, dark nights of winter," said the Clare Champion, in an editorial entitled, "The Siege of Clare".

"One of their number, according to a report last year from the MidWestern Health Board, spends all her nights sitting by the fire with a shotgun on her lap."

An appeal by a Garda superintendent for angry citizens not to take up arms was made after "horrified Virginians" witnessed a dawn raid by "ruthless Dublin criminals" on a supermarket in the town, said the Anglo Celt.

"The gang arrived at 5.50 a.m. and proceeded to line up plastic bins outside the shop, then the driver of the stolen car lined up the car and drove it at speed up on to the footpath and rammed the bullet proof window, shattering it in the process.

"As his accomplices moved in to fill the bins full of cigarettes, the residents of the town ran out on to the street to witness in horror the gang going about their evil deeds in clinical and ruthless fashion," the AngloCelt said. According to the newspaper it was like the "Wild West".