Teacher sapped my son’s morale

Q  My 10-year-old is going into 5th class after two years of having a teacher he wasn’t compatible with. He never had a problem with a teacher before but seemed to have continual run-ins with her. In third class she told us he was messing in class and we had several conversations with him about keeping his head down. However, the situation seemed to get worse and a few incidents concerned us, one being when she humiliated him in front of the class over the “terrible mistakes” he made in an exam. This incident seems to have had a big impact on him and he has lost confidence in his ability in that subject and still talks about what she said. This is despite the fact that he has been doing well in other subjects and we pointed this out to him. I spoke to the teacher and she said she felt he was capable of better. She acknowledged that although he has an outgoing personality, he can be sensitive and said she would be more mindful of that. However, the situation didn’t improve much in fourth class and although by the second half of the school year he had settled down in class and was getting good marks in some subjects, she seemed to continually criticise his mistakes. How can we help him to leave this experience behind and start 5th class with confidence? Also my daughter is getting this teacher in September and although she is a very different child, I’m concerned that history will repeat itself.

A Most primary school children spend as much time with their teachers as their parents, so the relationship, whether positive or negative, is very influential.

It sounds as if you approached this situation in a balanced and non-critical way; talking to the teacher first, acknowledging your child’s possible contribution and suggesting a joint approach – but none of this seems to have had any impact. Children are greatly influenced by the attitudes and opinions of their parents, so before taking any action, you should be absolutely clear about your own thoughts and feelings on this. While it doesn’t sound as if your son was singled out for punishment and that the problem had more to do with her personality and teaching style, you might nevertheless feel some guilt that, despite your efforts, you could not protect him. Maybe you need “closure” on this as much as your son.

Even if your boy’s behaviour was challenging, it has been proven time again that positive reinforcement (rewarding good behaviour) is more effective than punishment or, even worse, open humiliation. People remember being humiliated with great clarity because it is so unfair and it makes them feel powerless and exposed. While she may be a reasonable to you in person, her attitude to challenging behaviour in her class is out of step with current models .

How children perceive and react to criticism depends on many factors, including their personality, other stressors they might be experiencing and how much they value that particular trait in themselves. So, the “terrible mistakes” comment to a sensitive child who takes pride in doing well academically but was struggling in one area will possibly have been more upsetting than to another child.

Rather than wiping the slate clean, it might be more useful in the long-term to use his experiences as a learning opportunity. He is always going to meet people he won’t get on with and who may have power over aspects of his life, but learning how to manage them and their criticism is an important life lesson. Acknowledge that it has been difficult for him, but praise his resilience and his success in other areas.

From a developmental perspective, a 10-year-old tends to take what any adult in authority tells them at face value so it’s important to tell him that adults can be wrong. Look at ways over the summer of generally boosting his self-confidence and mastery in other areas to build up his self-esteem.

As regards his younger sister, you don’t want her being biased against the teacher from the outset but you do want her to be prepared. Setting her brother in the role of adviser might actually prove therapeutic for him; it gives meaning to his difficult experiences and he can pass on his hard-learned lessons to benefit someone else.

Monitor your daughter for the first few weeks and, if problems emerge, approach the teacher to work jointly on any issues just as you did before. If the situation persists, go to the principal. Equally, keep a close eye on your son and, if you see problems emerging, get in there early so you can set up a joint plan with his teacher.

If you find that your son remains low or upset by what happened, ask the school to refer you to the excellent National Educational Psychology Service (NEPS) which provides psychological supports and services to schools.