Greedy computer blamed for bank fraud
A rogue computer may have been responsible for a bank fraud scam, according to Garda sources. The computer - one of the new generation of super-intelligent machines - was programmed to maximise bank profits but liberally interpreted its brief to include charge-loading, interest rate reduction and the theft of pension books. No other details were available last night and the computer was referring all inquiries to his solicitor.
Escaped giraffe in near-miss air scare
A mid-air disaster was narrowly avoided yesterday when an AA sky patrol helicopter almost collided with a fictional giraffe which had escaped from Dublin Zoo. The helicopter pilot managed to regain control but later criticised the Zoo for not equipping its taller animals with warning lights.
Government to introduce loyalty bonuses for repeat parking offenders
After years of bad news for city motorists, the parking fines office has decided to "give something back" to the customer. A spokesman said it was a sign of "growing maturity" in the State's relationship with the parking offender.
"Let's be honest, if everybody parked legally, traffic wardens would be on the dole and the Exchequer would have to find the money from other sources, like VAT on children's shoes." A long-time customer, Mr F. McNally, welcomed the new deal: "Only 50 more frequent offender points and I get a season ticket for a car park!"
Ennis - Information Town - threatened by millennium bug
Ireland's first information-age town could grind to a standstill ("How will we know?" commented a sarcastic visitor) on January 1st, 2000, as the millennium bug shuts down all computers. Factory machinery may crash, bank cash dispensers malfunction and, in the worst case scenario, pubs in the Clare capital may close at 11.30 p.m. Gardai said they were not taking the last-mentioned threat seriously.
CIE to apologise to customers
The State transport company, CIE, is to take out advertisements in the national newspapers, apologising to all those hurt by its services. The company has established a number of helplines but warned callers to expect delays.
Clinton in no-sex controversy
A Former Arkansas beauty queen has claimed she once had a "purely platonic" relationship with President Bill Clinton. "We met once in a while for coffee and just, like, talked," she said. The White House has dismissed the claims.
Polar bears on rampage
Two polar bears took advantage of confusion caused by a fictitious giraffe escape at Dublin Zoo yesterday, overpowering a security guard before completing their getaway, dressed as women. They were last seen heading for the city's fish market.
Book of Kells being devoured by insects
Yes, the dreaded biscuit beetles have struck again. Horrified curators in Trinity College found them hosting a literary insect evening - finger food included - in the book's binding. However, attempts to delouse the manuscript have run into objections from the college's biologists, who want the priceless insects preserved.
Revenue Commissioners to make public apology
The Revenue Commissioners are to apologise to the Irish people for the hurt caused by their past actions. A spokesman said it was a first step in a healing process which might eventually involve them giving back our money.
Dustin in Newcastle Disease scare
Dustin the Turkey is at the centre of a poultry virus scare, following speculation in the tabloid press that the rock star spent the weekend with an unnamed female turkey in an exclusion zone near Clones. Poultry vets are keeping him under close observation and the slaughter option is not being ruled out.
LUAS to go `fully underground'
The LUAS light rail project is to become a full underground service, it has emerged. Sources said the underground option would ease traffic disruption and would also minimise the risk from low-flying pigs, which are expected in large numbers around the time the service starts.
Irish rugby team to make public apology
The Irish rugby team is to apologise to the public for suffering caused by its past actions. Speaking minutes before the team's gallant slaughter by England today, Mr Alec McAdoo of the IRFU said the union would be opening a number of helplines, including one for the players.
310 Lotto winners
There were 310 winners in last night's Lotto draw, each of whom gets over £1 million. The freak result happened because eight balls were drawn, instead of six. A distraught Alex Burns, the independent observer from Stokes Kennedy Crowley, said: "I took my eyes off it for a moment - I just don't know what happened."
God in Bible sequel surprise
Two thousand years after his "difficult second book" - the New Testament - God has surprised critics by writing a third instalment in the classic series. Testament 3: The Final Judgment combines the all-action style of the Old Testament with the more considered themes of the second work. Hollywood is already scrambling for the film rights but reaction is mixed. Director Francis Ford Coppola said: "Frankly, it's a mistake. The first two books were so perfect; why does He have to go and spoil it?"