THAT'S MEN:A break-up can affect your physical health too
I WONDER IF post-marriage courses might be just as worthwhile, if we had them, as pre-marriage courses.
The break-up of a marriage or of any long, live-in relationship can take a toll on both parties and when it comes to depression it takes a greater toll on men.
Men and women have a higher risk of depression in the years immediately following a break-up. The risk for men, however, is greater than it is for women.
This may have something to do with social networks. Women seem to have a greater opportunity to confide in other women. Perhaps this is because sitting down and crying on a friend’s shoulder comes more easily to women. They say a problem shared is a problem halved and women are champion sharers.
This isn’t to say that men don’t share their emotional troubles with other men. They do, but the conversation, I think, is shorter. Moreover, it may tend to focus on practical issues concerning maintenance, access and so on.
This is particularly important since much of the man’s social support may have come from his wife or partner and that is now no longer available. It is almost always the man who leaves the family home and this, too, may increase the risk of male depression. The woman, however distressed, at least gets to stay in her familiar living and social environment if the ex-couple have children.
The man is now in an apartment, perhaps in a different area, away from his familiar setting and away from his children. It is hardly surprising that his risk of depression is greater.
So the man needs to be aware of this and to push himself to talk to other people and to keep up his social networking. This means letting other people know the relationship has broken up.
A reluctance to tell people can have an isolating effect on him. But if the marriage is really over, everybody is going to find out sooner or later and there is a good chance that some of those whom you don’t want to tell about it already know about it. Either way, it is by telling people what has happened that you will get their help and support. That support can cut your chances of becoming depressed.
Marriage break-up also takes a toll on physical health, as does widowhood. Diabetes, heart disease and cancer are all more common in divorced people than in others. This group even has poorer mobility, finding it harder to walk long distances for instance – I don’t know why this should be so but perhaps it is linked to diabetes, heart disease and so on.
When people get married their health prospects generally improve and perhaps divorce and widowhood remove that bonus. But the lesson to anybody who has lost a partner to divorce or death is to be diligent about looking after their physical health.
The conflicts that can surround a break-up don’t help either. One vicious solicitor’s letter can send the blood pressure skyrocketing as can a disagreement over the children.
I always suggest two things about the legal side of a break-up. First, get your legal advice from your own solicitor and not from the guy sitting next to you in the pub. Second, if you can sort out your issues through mediation, do so. You can get free mediation from the Family Mediation Service (fsa.ie) or find a private mediator through the Mediator’s Institute of Ireland (themii.ie). The mediator will help you work out issues such as access and maintenance and it’s a lot less stressful than fighting it through the courts.
The bottom line is that breaking up doesn’t just involve emotional pain. It hurts your physical and mental health too. People who have just broken up need to be aware of this. Rally round. Give them emotional support. And in giving that support, try to make things better not worse. What the separated person needs right now is less conflict, not more.
Padraig O'Morain (pomorain@ireland.com) is a counsellor accredited by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. His book Light Mind – Mindfulness for Daily Livingis published by Veritas. His monthly mindfulness newsletter is available free by e-mail