Making the most of teenage years

Sometimes, when we think of our children becoming teenagers, we are filled with anxiety. We look at youth culture and see how it has changed since we were that age; we hear people talk about how our children will change; we may fear losing influence over them.

Understandably, we may become anxious.

Yes, there have been changes in society. Yes, our children do change. But these changes do not happen overnight. How our children are during their teenage years is built on foundations already laid down.

There are opportunities and pressures today that did not exist a generation ago. Indeed, changes that happened in other cultures over the last 50 years have happened in Ireland in a shorter period of time. Several identifiable social changes have happened in Ireland in the last 20 years.

We live in a society in which there are fewer certainties, as some traditional values are questioned and rejected.

Society has become more materialistic and possessions have taken on a greater significance.

Today young people have to deal with a wide range of influences and pressures. Messages are conveyed in films, video, TV, advertising, magazines etc. These messages can sometimes be contradictory and some of the values conveyed may be quite different from those of the home, e.g., in relation to sexual behaviour;

Illegal drugs are more widely available and the age at which many young people begin to drink has dropped; There are more one-parent families and children living with parents in second relationships. Extended families are less available to support families.

Most teenagers participate longer in education, so most of our teenage children are well educated. This is very good. However, competition and aspiration to achieve can bring pressure on teenagers; some may feel it well before that our influence will not be as significant as we would wish; we wonder how our growing children will manage the challenges. However, our children have been learning how to deal with them as they grow up.

While there are changes in society, many of the challenges facing teenagers are linked to their physical, sexual and emotional development, to dealing with relationships and to defining who they are and what they want. These are also the issues that we all dealt with as we grew up. Becoming a teenager today is not as different as is sometimes presented.

One of the concerns for parents is the influence of friends and peers. During adolescence, teenagers gradually become less involved in family activities and more engaged in activities with friends and groups of peers. Peer friendships give teenagers support and play an important role in the transition from dependence to independence.

We may find these attachments difficult to accept. We can find it hard that someone else is providing emotional support. However, while peers are important, most teenagers are attached to their homes and have positive attitudes to their parents. Family continues to be of critical importance; the majority of young people share their parents' views on major issues. Disagreements are likely to be around more minor issues - fashion, privileges. For the most part our children learn their standards of behaviour from those they are closest to during their upbringing - in particular from us.

Most research shows parents have greater influence on their teenagers than peers have. Our children will manage all these situations better if they are reasonably confident and secure, if they feel cared for and supported.

How can we help them to be like this?

The process of preparing children for teenage years starts when they are babies. By doing what we can, as they grow, to help them believe in themselves, we are giving our children the best chance to manage the challenges that face them and to fulfil their potential.

Let them know that you love and accept them for who they are. They need to know without question that they matter to us. Let them know you love them even when you disapprove of their behaviour.

Accepting them involves allowing them to be different from us. Our job, as parents, involves allowing our children the freedom to be themselves and to gradually learn to take responsibility for themselves. They need the freedom, within limits, to experiment and try out various activities and styles in order to form a clearer picture of who they are and what they want. They need opportunities to make decisions.

Children and teenagers need encouragement and recognition. Notice and acknowledge their efforts. They need to be able to express their views and to have these views respected. Through this, they are likely to learn to respect others' opinions.

Listening to, and discussing issues with, teenagers is more effective than laying down the law or warning them frequently. Try not to criticise or preach. By taking time to listen and talk, we stay in contact and can more easily resolve difficulties that arise.

Be alert to signs of worry and try to be available when they want to talk. If you are not able to take the time at that stage, let them know that you care and tell them when you can listen.

Maintaining limits is essential. Set as few limits as possible, then let them know the reasons for them. Freedom within limits promotes responsibility and enables young people to develop.

In teenage years, it may appear sometimes we don't matter, but we do. Teenagers who feel close to their parents are better able to deal with the challenges that they meet.

How you are as a parent, the way you feel, think and behave shows your child how to be in the world. The more loving and accepting you are with yourself, the more likely your child is to develop these same qualities.

Ruby Morrow is a psychologist.