Let's talk about sex - maybe

I still haven't managed to come to terms with the fact that in the very near future I am going to put any screed of professional integrity that I have left on the line and embark on the mother of all new educational programmes. I have already grabbed bullying by the scruff of the neck. And I advised all my students on how best to Stay Safe. I have served up self-esteem to all and sundry, and as for computers - well, they were a drag but they finally clicked, if you'll pardon the pun.

But the latest one has me looking at early retirement with a renewed interest. You see, the advent of Relationships and Sexuality Education has me in a state of near hysteria. I have been in denial up to now. I refuse to think about it and therefore it will not happen. But it has! Now, none of the others in the staffroom are unduly concerned. Phrases like "important in today's world" and "age-appropriate" are floating around me. But you see, I am the one who is going to have to grab the bull by the horns. I teach the senior classes and that is where the "SE-X" is explained - in detail.

I look furtively around the class and try to gauge their reactions to what they will hear. Who will blush to the roots and die inwardly when I mention the Sword? Who will grin knowingly and stare me down? Who will be genuinely interested in the cut and thrust of the lesson? And who will have the courage to ask me a question or two?

Oh, God, questions! Horror stories from colleagues who claim they were asked things like "Sir, what's a 69er?" (Don't ask!) "Miss, have you ever had sex?" and "Is a cigar a sex-aid?" don't do much to allay my panic. Or would it be worse if they asked nothing at all and I had to waffle on about the nitty-gritty of conception on my own for 30 minutes.

Now, this particular lesson is only a very small part of the RSE. programme. But there's no doubt that it is the bit that cause most teachers of senior classes in primary the most unease.

And the parents - well, our parents were unanimous in their assertion that the teachers were the best people for the job. Well, we have a good personal relationship with the children, we are accomplished communicators and we are sensitive and caring. Ever feel you were being suckered? Of course, they are all those things themselves too. But then they are not answerable if they fail to educate their offspring in the finer points of procreation. And we are. So I fear I may brace myself for this impending session of biology and offer it up. Again.

We are told, however, that our neighbouring school has the phone number of a sensitive and caring nun who has been doing this kind of work for years. Very tempting. Sister Concepta - made for the job.