Hello, Government department? Sprightly Associates here. We're your new consultants - I'm Harry Sprightly. Who am I speaking to? This is Bill, assistant deputy principal. Look, Harry, fire away, get stuck in, we look forward to your report, and send the bill straight to Kildare Street. Right? Pardon? I was only joking. I mean I'm just returning your call. Your office rang to ask if I might be interested in providing a consultancy service. Did we? I suppose we did. We often do. So - could we arrange a time for my associates and I to come in and discuss it?

What's there to discuss? Do you want the job or not? Well, of course we're very interested, and no doubt other consultancy firms are too -

Others? Are there others? Yours was the first we found in the Yellow Pages. Still, perhaps we should make an appointment?

If you say so, but sounds like a terrible waste of time to me. But - we need to know what exactly the brief is, what you hope to achieve, your department's specific requirements, and how we might help you. Look, Bill: I hope you're not one of these time-wasters. We have no time for those in the civil service. We want you as a consultant, you want the work, what's your problem? Well - no problem of course. We're delighted to be asked. I just thought you might want to discuss details of the brief, the time-scale, estimates, budgetary items - Budgetary items? Budget is not a word we employ here, Harry. Too suggestive of parsimony, cutting corners, tight-fistedness. Budget bathrooms, dining on a budget, cheap holidays, cheap lifestyles. Know what I mean? Not our bag, Harry. This is a Government department, in case you've forgotten. No, no. I mean, you weren't planning on skimping, I hope? We want a top- class report. Glossy paper. Properly bound. Embossed covers. Gilt edges. And naturally you want value for money.

Well of course we do, Harry, but I'll tell you what we want first and foremost, and that's a better position on the ladder. The ladder?

The big spenders, Harry. The consultancy spending ladder. Didn't you see it the other day in The Irish Times? Justice, £14 mil- lion. Social Welfare, £11.6 mil- lion. Transport, £10 million. Revenue, £7.5 million. The big four, Harry. And we're down among the minnows. It's not good enough.

It upset you, obviously,

Harry, I don't mind telling you, we were ashamed to hold our heads up here when that list was published. So you want to spend more on consultancy projects.

Well of course we do. Things have got to change. For God's sake man, even the Department of the Environment is spending more than us! OK, Bill, I think I'm getting the picture. But I still need to know what sort of service you want us to provide.

Oh all right, I suppose you need some basic details. OK: apparently we need advice on how to save money in the department. Some fool thinks we're overspending, says there's wastage of various kinds, no proper follow-up to recommendations, no estimates for outside work, no agreed criteria, no cost-analysis, no competitive tenders, and no proper paperwork documenting substantial transactions involving public money. Sounds pretty damning.

Oh, you wouldn't want to take it too seriously. There are a lot of petty people about, fusspots and busybodies, accountants and auditors, poking their noses in where they're not needed - we don't take much notice of them here. Too busy. So, Harry, think Sprightly Associates can handle it? I think we'll have a good crack at it. Now, about our costs -

Harry, you sound like a gentle- man: so let's have a gentleman's agreement. Charge what you have to, and don't worry about expenses. All right? That's decent of you, Bill. We'll do our best. It's for the public good, after all.

The what? Oh, never mind. But I think you'll find our recommendations worth acting on.

Pardon? What the hell do you mean? You think this department is going to have an outsider telling us what to do? I'd watch your step if I were you, Harry. Getting too big for your boots, some of you consultants. Sorry Bill, didn't mean to offend.

That's all right Harry, you just do your job, and we'll do ours.