France ... 0 Switzerland ... 0Hmmm? What's that? Is it over? Really? Apologies. Must have dozed off there in the second half what with the heat and the belt of chloroform that was this match. What day is it? How long have I been out for? Wow!
Ah, these games between our former bedmates at the Hotel du Qualification, you really want them to go well, don't you.
You want to send the winners of your little group out into the world, there to do you some credit by playing scintillating football and then announcing it was the tough times they had in getting to the finals which made men of them.
Well, France and Switzerland let us down with this sterile snorefest of a match. We should have known really. They were inseparable in qualification and impossibly dull most of that time too.
The French are decrepit and have been cranky with each other all week. They now haven't scored a World Cup finals goal since the glorious night when they beat Brazil in 1998.
As for the Swiss, their team bus pulled up a couple of hours before the game with a large slogan printed down the side: "2006, It's Swiss O'Clock!"
If that's true than it's our bedtime at Swiss O'Clock because this made us sleepier than 90 minutes of intravenous Horlicks.
The two managers applied their separate quirks to the starting line-ups. Kobi Kuhn inserted the muscular Marco Streller alongside Alex Frei. Raymond Domenech, having been at war with his country's media all week, yielded to a little populism and gave Frank Ribery his full debut, the first player since David Trezeguet to make his full French debut at the World Cup finals.
Ribery did more for his boss than Streller did for his but neither lasted for the duration.
Not that either man should take the blame for the general lack of inspiration and creativity about the place. Zinedine Zidane suddenly looks very old.
The French midfield without the injured Florent Malouda, looked plodding. And the Swiss, well, they just looked like a team precision-built for scoreless draws.
After 25 minutes of unbroken dullness it was, however, the Swiss who came closest to scoring. Tranquillo Barnetta - who, bless him, made his debut against Ireland two years ago - floated a nice free in behind the French defence. Philippe Senderos, the young Arsenal defender, got a flicked header. The ball came back off the French bar and Alexander Frei, somewhat surprised, threw a boot at it and hit it just over.
Perhaps that was the best chance of the game. Certainly for the Swiss it was.
The French got a little promise out of the burgeoning relationship between Ribery and Thierry Henry but not enough to bring Henry's reputation with French fans into line with his standing at Highbury.
Just after the half hour Henry and Zidane show us a little something from temps perdu and join together to let Ribery in. The youngster collects awkwardly though and scoops it high.
A couple of minutes later he provides payback, making a fool of Senderos but then opting not to shoot but to lay the ball to Henry, who hits it mildly into what appears to be the hand of Patrick Müller.
Henry is interested in following this up with referee Ivanov but the feeling isn't mutual. Play, such as it is, goes on.
By half-time we are willing to lay the principles of a lifetime aside and advocate the use of doping. We will gladly pay for some stimulants, if not for the players, than for us. This game has nil-all written all over it in large letters like that dopey slogan on the Swiss bus.
There were highlights of the second half but literally nothing worth writing home about. Zidane and William Gallas quarrelled during a break of play and we prayed it would come to blows. Typical of the day, it didn't.
Daniel Gygax looked exciting for a few minutes after his introduction to the Swiss midfield. One downward header brought out some vintage Fabien Barthez. The Frenchman kept the ball out by flapping gracelessly all around him and then landing on his backside.
Gygax, who was oddly omitted from the starting line-up in favour of the more lumbering Streller, was beginning to show Kuhn the error of his ways but then somebody got to him. He faded to mediocrity.
It ends dismally. The Swiss with a free deep in French territory out on the right. Ludovic Magnin lingers over it for an age as Mr Ivanov, the punctilious referee, fusses about in the area trying to get everything right.
Finally Magnin puts it over and Frei gets to it first, attempting to fist the ball to the French goal.
The ball goes wide. Frei ends up in the French netting. Mr Ivanov gives him a yellow card. An ugly bit of cheating from the man who got sent home from the last European championships for spitting. By then though we were all too weary to be truly outraged.
They gave the man-of-the-match award to the French defensive midfielder Claude Makelele. Just about right.
Here's hoping the livewire sides of Togo and South Korea dish out the retribution on our behalf in a few days' time.
SUBSTITUTIONS
FRANCE: Saha for Ribery (69 mins), Dhorasoo for Wiltord (84 mins). Subs not used: Boumsong, Chimbonda, Coupet, Diarra, Givet, Govou, Landreau, Malouda, Silvestre, Trezeguet. Booked: Abidal, Zidane, Sagnol.
SWITZERLAND: Djourou for Müller (74 mins), Margairaz for Wicky (81 mins), Gygax for Streller (57 mins). Subs not used: Behrami, Benaglio, Coltorti, David Degen, Dzemaili, Grichting, Lustrinelli, Spycher, Yakin. Booked: Magnin, Barnetta, Philipp Degen, Cabanas, Frei.
Referee: Valentin Ivanov (Russia).
