God I really hate those annual complaints about Christmas

IF THERE’S one thing people love to whinge about in December, it’s Christmas. But most of their complaints – like those below – are without foundation.

“Christmas songs are irritating”

Unlike 1970s glam rockers Wizzard, I do not wish it could be Christmas every day, as the economy would then grind to a halt (oh, wait). However, the season has inspired some great songs. For all the musical war crimes committed in the name of the Christmas singles – I'll see you in The Hague, Paul McCartney, Cliff Richard and Dustin the Turkey (pictured) – there is also Fairytale of New York, a composition of such brilliance it makes gambling, addiction, alcoholism, abusive relationships and impending death sound uplifting. Well, it did until a former Boyzone singer's version sucked the life from it. I'll see you in The Hague too, Ronan Keating.

“Telly’s always the same”

It is a universal truth that somebody will want to watch The Sound of Musicfor the 429th time. Others will take solace in the Father Tedspecial or Groundhog Day, which is technically not a Christmas film but boasts snow and sentimentality, so it almost always features. Above all else, it provides the world with an opportunity to feast again on the spectacle of Andie McDowell being pelted with snowballs. And It's A Wonderful Lifereminds us each year that everyone has their role to play in life. Except Andie McDowell.

“Who needs Santa?”

Children who spread the malicious untruth that Santa doesn’t exist have been scientifically proved to be evil. They deserve only shrivelled coal lumps in their stockings.

“The in-laws!”

There you are sitting around in paper hats with the in-laws stuffed to the brim with turkey, alcohol and unspoken mutual resentment. Here is a tip: crackers were invented to replace conversation in these situations. Think of obligatory Christmas get-togethers as placing a cordon sanitaire around unwanted visits during the other 50-odd weeks of the year.

“It starts earlier every year”

The chief problem with Christmas starting earlier every year is that the whining about Christmas staring earlier every year starts earlier every year. They are just decorations. They won’t attack you (except one of those dancing Santas – they might).