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How we can nurture our friendships to ensure long-lasting relationships

Relationships: Life is busy and friendships can either be nurtured or become mislaid over time

Many of us hope for a friendship like Mary and Marianne’s, where time and place know no bounds and being ourselves comes easy in their company

Geraldine Walsh
Thu Apr 4 2024 - 06:01

While some people are still friends with their fingerpaint tribe from playschool, and others have friends they speak with every day, there are also those who have been suddenly ghosted by their best friend of 25 years.

And then there are the groups of people who can’t seem to schedule a simple coffee date with their best friend and, sometimes, struggle to remember to reply to that text that came in two days ago.

Life is busy and friendships can either be nurtured or become mislaid over time.

This is part of a series about relationships: Balancing, managing, understanding and fixing friendships and connections.

Maintaining friendships is not always easy and there is certainly no science to it, no algorithm or equation to make friendships flow in the natural way we want or expect. Maintaining friendships is somewhat of an art form, centred around mutual respect, care and attention.

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Pen pals since 1971, Mary and Marianne have learned the art of maintaining friendships as their relationship grew across miles, countries and decades together. They were first paired up as pen friends in 1971 when Mary, who is from Dublin, received a letter from Gozo, an island in the Maltese archipelago in the Mediterranean Sea. Despite receiving letters from pen pals in Turkey and other countries through International Penfriends, Mary felt drawn to reply to Marianne’s first letter to Ireland.

“The rest is history,” says Mary. “Immediately, we made a connection.”

Bonding over a mutual love of exploring each other’s cultures and traditions, and a similar attraction to fancy pens and notepaper, the friends sent small gifts to each other in the post, but it was the words and respect in their letters that cemented their friendship.

“Our letters flowed like we were chatting over a cup of tea,” says Mary and, as they continued writing letters, they planned to meet. Mary first visited Gozo in 1978 when she was 21, not too long after the death of her beloved brother – a time when the support of good friends was needed. The two women have grown up together, recognising the importance of loyalty, trust and being non-judgmental.

“As with everyone in life, there are highs and lows,” says Mary. “I know Marianne is genuinely always there for me.”

With Marianne visiting Mary in Ireland, and Gozo becoming Mary’s second home, the friends have shared many happy moments together, cementing a friendship that has grown and evolved through mutual understanding.

Many of us hope for a friendship like Mary and Marianne’s, where time and place know no bounds and being ourselves comes easy in their company. This kind of friendship fills our metaphorical cup so that we feel rejuvenated by their friendship.

“Regular good connections with good friends are vital for our happiness and wellbeing,” says Helen Vaughan, psychotherapist and director and owner of Maynooth Counselling and Psychotherapy. “We all need at least one good friend that we talk to about our inner world, that we trust, and that loves and accepts us as we are, but also gently challenges us from time to time. It’s having someone that wants the best for you and you for them.”

But some people have a harder time than others when trying to keep those friendships afloat, despite how good they may feel. According to psychodynamic psychotherapist Jeanine Connor there are two things needed to nurture our friendships.

Nurturing a healthy friendship, needs give and take on both sides. Photograph: Getty

They are effective communication and healthy boundaries.

“Many a problem in many a relationship is caused by saying too little too late, or saying the right thing at the wrong time, or the wrong thing at the right time, or letting something rankle and saying nothing at all,” says Connor who is the author of one book about the human body and three books about human thought and behaviour. “In other words, many a problem in many a relationship is caused by ineffective communication. If something niggles, it’s better to say so as soon as you can, otherwise the niggle will fester, gather up additional niggles, and grow into a great big snowball of bitterness and resentment.”

Connor recommends that a good rule of thumb for effective communication is to speak from the “I” position, which simply means using statements that acknowledge your feelings about a situation instead of placing blame on your friend and sounding confrontational.

Having things in common helps to grow and nurture a friendship, as well as spending time together and respecting each other

—  Helen Vaughan, psychotherapist

“There’s a psychological theory known as ‘rupture and repair’,” says Connor. “Ruptures are inevitable in friendships, but it’s vital to repair them straight away by communicating your emotions and by showing empathy and curiosity. Tell your friend how you feel and ask them to tell you what’s going on for them. Rupture followed by repair makes friendships stronger. Rupture alone breaks them apart.”

Nurturing a healthy friendship, needs give and take on both sides. “If it feels too one-sided,” says Vaughan, “then consider introducing boundaries to protect yourself and your energy. Having things in common helps to grow and nurture a friendship, as well as spending time together and respecting each other. Like any good relationship, having time apart and having your own individual interests can help maintain a good friendship.”

While friendships work best when built on trust, respect, and mutual admiration, a relationship can lean in an unequal way and become difficult. Building those boundaries are beneficial in protecting yourself from giving too much in an unbalanced relationship. “If you don’t feel good about yourself when with someone, that is a red flag and it might be worth considering pulling back,” says Vaughan. “Don’t be afraid to step back from any friendship that you feel is not benefiting you or your life regardless of how long you’ve known each other.”

We might change in similar ways at similar times as we tick off similar milestones but the meaning we assign to friendship changes too

—  Jeanine Connor

It’s also worthwhile bearing in mind that we may hold unrealistic expectations about our friendships. “In any friendship there’s your truth, your friend’s truth, and the literal truth”, says Connor whose new book, You’re Not My F*cking Mother: And other things Gen Z say in therapy, will be published by PCCS Books in April 2024. “Perception is based on biases, assumptions, and past experiences which colour our expectations. If our expectations are unrealistic, we’re setting our friends and our friendships up to fail.”

Being mindful that people change and so too will a friendship, can make recognising and evolving with our friendships as they morph, that little bit easier. “We might change in similar ways at similar times as we tick off similar milestones,” says Connor but the “meaning we assign to friendship changes too. Your expectations of friendship will be different at five, 15, 25 and 50. For friendships that span years, even decades, this might mean you need to rethink your expectations and adjust them accordingly, which might also mean letting some friendships go.”

The idiom, “invest in the people who invest in you”, is something Mary has always felt strongly about.

“People come, people go, but the true ones remain throughout life,” she says. “Despite distance, we understand and respect each other.”

Relationships

Geraldine Walsh

Geraldine Walsh

Geraldine Walsh, a contributor to The Irish Times, writes about health and family

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