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Today – for a break coinciding with summer – I present a selection of themed jokes about science. I hope you find at least some of them funny.
MATHEMATICS
* A 13 year-old boy failed mathematics in public school. His non-religious parents were advised that a private Catholic school might be more effective. His grades rose dramatically after this switch. Asked what helped him so much, he responded “When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!”
* What’s the difference between a PhD in mathematics and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four.
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* “I’ll name my son Mathematics. Then I will be the father of Mathematics. Get out of here Pythagoras!”
PHYSICS
* Heisenberg and Schrödinger were pulled over for speeding. The officer asks Heisenberg: “Do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg replies: “No, but we know exactly where we are!” The confused officer says: “You were going 200km an hour!” Heisenberg cries: “Great! Now we’re lost!” The officer asks Schrödinger if they have anything in the car boot. “A cat,” Schrödinger replies. The officer opens the boot and yells, “Hey! This cat is dead!” Schrödinger angrily replies, “Well, he is now!”
[ Research making rapid progress towards reversing ageing ]
[ William Reville: There are no shortcuts to high achievement ]
* Did you hear about the girl who was cooled to absolute zero? She’s 0K now.
* A photon checks into a hotel, and the desk clerk asks “Will I call a bellhop for your bags?” Photon responds “No need. I’m travelling light.”
* Newton, Pascal and Archimedes are playing hide and seek. Archimedes starts counting, Pascal hides in a bush and Newton draws a square on the ground and steps into it. Archimedes finds Newton first, of course, but Newton replies, “Nope. One Newton on one square metre equals one Pascal.”
CHEMISTRY
* The doctor tells a woman that she has only six months to live. He advises her to marry a biochemist and move to Toledo. The woman asks, “Will this cure my illness?” “No,” replies the doctor, “but it will make six months seem like a very long time.”
* If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate!
* What do you call a tooth in a glass of water? A one molar solution.
* Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he walked out of the singles bar? He had Avogadro’s number!
* An electron and a positron go into a bar. Positron: “You’re round.” Electron: “Are you sure?” Positron: “I’m positive.
* “The name’s Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.”
STATISTICS
* Recent findings by statisticians show the average human has one breast and one testicle.
* Three statisticians go deerhunting. They spot one in the distance. The first statistician shoots about a metre too high, the second one, about a metre too low. The third one yells, “We got it!”
[ How will we react when the aliens arrive? ]
[ Academic freedom the very touchstone of real and rigorous debate ]
* A statistician is someone who tells you, when you’ve got your head in the fridge and your feet in the oven, that you’re very comfortable on average.
BIOLOGY
* One mouse to another: “Look at that fellow with the white coat on. Whenever I push the paddle, he starts writing something!”
* What do you get when you cross a parrot with a lion? I don’t know, but when it speaks you better listen.
* I hear scientists recently started using lawyers instead of rats for scientific experiments. They do this for two reasons; One, the scientists become less attached to the lawyers. And two, there are certain things that even rats won’t do.
* Why won’t the skeleton cross the road? No guts!
* A blowfly goes into a bar and asks: “Is that stool taken?”
COGNITIVE SCIENCE
* A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot, and asks him what he sees. The patient says: “A man and woman making love.” The psychoanalyst shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: “That’s also a man and woman making love.” The psychoanalyst says: “You’re obsessed with sex.” The patient says: “What do you mean I’m obsessed? You’re the one with all the dirty pictures.”
* Two behaviourists had sex and one turned to the other saying, “That was great for you, but how was it for me?”
* Psychiatrist to patient: “Don’t worry. You’re not deluded. You only think you are.”
William Reville is an emeritus professor of biochemistry at UCC