Scary scenarios when politicians are worlds apart


As Ahmadinejad is willing to be Iran’s first man in space, I am throwing down the gauntlet to our own politicians

The economy….boring! Promissory notes…yawn! Legislation… snore! ECB…meh! Dáil debate…I feel sleepy.

Politics is the sort of dull activity this paper takes little interest in. It has, after all, little impact on the lives of ordinary people.

However, this week, after sending a monkey into orbit, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad declared his willingness to be Iran’s first man in space.

“I am prepared to be the first human to be sent into space by Iranian scientists.”

It was the sort of selfless gesture that nobody expected. I certainly didn’t see it coming. And our own politicians could learn from him.

“What about the economy? And jobs? And poverty? And crime? And promissory notes? And bank debt?” the grumpy Irish electorate might ask.

“Okay,” Enda Kenny could say with a resigned sigh. “I’m prepared to be the first Irishman in space.”

“Well, it wasn’t what we were asking, but fair dues,” the Irish people would respond.

And so Ahmadinejad’s future crowd-pleasing space adventures with his space-chimp chum have inspired me to consider some other science-fiction scenarios involving international politicians that I think would make politics more interesting and relevant to a younger generation.

Vladimir Putin…At The Centre of the Earth!

Putin, leader of Russia, burrows up through the floor of the UN in his subterranean drilling machine with his sidekick Rolo (a cheeky brown bear he befriended on a previous adventure) to ignore questions about the secret war in Chechnya and tell of his sexy, shirtless adventures with the subterranean Mole People.

“Why are you not wearing a shirt?” asks Ban Ki-moon of the ripped Russian ruler.

“It’s very hot at the centre of the earth,” explains Putin, before doing a backflip, punching a spy, kissing a lady and then riding off on a horse.

Hugo Chavez…in the Mirror Universe!

The president of Venezuela goes through a rift in the fabric of reality to a parallel world in which international socialism never quite took off. Disturbed by this, he returns home and takes his mind off things by having a playful oil fight with his communist chum Raul Castro.

Tories…In Topsy Turvy Land!

Eurosceptical members of the Tory party go on a magical voyage to Lilliput, Brobdingnag, Laputa, the Land of the Houyhnhnms (Canada) and France where they find midgets, giants, floating islands, talking horses and the French. Shocked by what they see (you couldn’t make it up!) they vow never to wander abroad again.

Kim Jong Un…Under the sea!

In an attempt to strike an accord with King Namor of the sea people, the portly patriarch descends to the ocean floor to do battle with a giant squid, ride a sea-horse, uncover pirate gold and woo the lovely Princess Aquatica who wears a shell-based bikini.

“You have such lovely eyes Kim Jong Un!” says Princess Aquatica, “and are so handsome and clever and quite slim really. Can I touch your hair?”

Certainly not, Princess Aquatica! Re-education camp for you!

Fianna Fáil…On the Dark Side of the Moon!

They’re not gone. The true party of government simply bides its time beyond our vision in a lunar kingdom, where they plot and scheme and rezone land and organise medical cards for constituents and build a robot with Dev’s head. They will be back!

Tonight with Vincent Browne…At the End of the Universe!

Billions of years from now Vin B and friends discuss Ireland’s faltering economy and the heat death of the universe as all energy dissipates and life as we know it grinds to a halt.

“A very similar situation happened to Garret FitzGerald back in 1981,” says Vincent matter-of-factly as Constantine Gurdgiev evaporates.