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It’s easy to imagine what’s going through Donald Trump’s head right now. I can hear his interior monologue all the way from Mar-a-Lago. He’s fulminating, working himself up to another epic meltdown, like he had over Nikki Haley the night he won the New Hampshire primary. The thoughts pinballing through Trump’s cortex might be something like this:
“I like Taylor Swift. I do. She’s made a career of revenge, which gets my Complete and Total Endorsement. She’s beautiful, just my type, unlike that wack job E Jean Carroll and her sick lawyer, Roberta Kaplan.
“Rachel Maddow is not getting my money for that penthouse and shopping spree E Jean promised her on MSDNC. Rachel wears the same outfit every day anyway. Besides, I don’t have $83 million. My third-rate lawyers drained the money I siphoned from my donors. I thought everyone knew I made that up about being a billionaire.
“I’ll tell you what: The idea that Taylor Swift is more popular than me is a joke. Her fans are 13 years old. They can’t even vote.
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“In the Rigged and Stolen election of 2020, I got the most votes of any president in history. She doesn’t have more fans than me. She doesn’t! And my fans are more committed. Swifties won’t stand in line as long as mine. They’ve never broken into the Capitol for her. Oh, what a beautiful day that was.
[ Keith Duggan: Don’t blame her? Republicans fear Taylor Swift could be trouble as elections nears ]
[ Jennifer O'Connell: Taylor Swift’s deepfake saga was a warning bell to women ]
“Now let me just tell you, I’m two for two, dominating in Iowa and New Hampshire, great, great, fantastic states, very special places. Every place we go we have tens of thousands of people outside every arena. They have to build larger arenas in this country just for me, right?
“Taylor seems like a nice girl, a little too wholesome for my taste. She did a Diet Coke ad and I like Diet Coke. She even got Birdbrain to take her daughter to a concert. And sure, I have a Taylor friendship “BFF” bracelet. Who doesn’t? That neurotic dope Maureen Dowd once compared me to a 13-year-old girl. SHE DOESN’T KNOW ME!
“Taylor more popular than me? Wrong! My movement is so much bigger and more fanatical than her movement. I could beat her so badly. Melania has been on more magazine covers than Taylor. More men hit on Melania than Taylor.
“SAD! But Taylor must be destroyed. She and Travis will be deified as prom king and queen at the Super Bowl, especially if 87 pops the question on America’s Holy Day like they’re in a Hallmark movie. And no one can be deified more than me. I AM THE BIGGEST CELEBRITY ON THE PLANET! Jon Voight, that old Midnight Cowboy, compared me to Jesus, and my tremendous followers think God has sent me to fight the Marxists and fix America, which is now a third-world country.
“Taylor is being treated like an American icon, but I’m the American icon. I’m trying to save America by destroying democracy, the NFL and Taylor Swift. I know it might seem crazy to attack the things that bind America. But I alone can fix it.
“Maga is waging a Holy War on her because she’s going to urge people to vote, and that would be mainly suburban women who hate me. They tell me, ‘I don’t know if the suburban women like you.’ Suburban women, will you please like me – I saved your damn neighbourhoods, okay?
“It’s pathetic that Crooked Joe Biden needs a pop singer to drag him over the finish line. It didn’t help Crooked Hillary when she got propped up by Bruce Springsteen, Beyoncé, Katy Perry, Christina Aguilera, Bon Jovi, Kelly Clarkson and Miley Cyrus. Speaking of music, I hope Taylor doesn’t get a Grammy. I deserve a Grammy!
“Black voters, Hispanic voters, young voters are coming to my side because I’m the greatest. The economy is roaring and the stock market is at record highs because investors are projecting I will beat Biden.
“Biden’s aides have to leak stories about how he calls me a Sick F-Word in private because I cheered on January 6th rioters and I joke about Paul Pelosi getting hit with a hammer by a Maga supporter. As if cursing like I do makes him a tough guy. Besides, I like violence. It adds some excitement to the rallies.
“LOOK AT WHAT YOU MADE ME DO, Taylor. You and Mr Pfizer are now at the top of my enemies list. I don’t get too angry, I get even. Hey, Taylor, that would be a good song title for you!”
“And Taylor should not have been Time magazine’s Person of the Year. I should have been on the cover. I am the greatest phenomenon in history! And it should still be Man of the Year. What’s with ‘Person’?
“Like I told The Daily Caller, I wish Taylor and Travis the best. I hope they enjoy their life, maybe together, maybe not. Probably not. Too bad we have to take Taylor down. I liked Taylor’s music about 25 per cent less in 2018, when she endorsed that loser Phil Bredesen against Marsha Blackburn in Tennessee. Then I liked her 50 per cent less in 2020 when she accused me of trying to ‘blatantly cheat and put millions of Americans’ lives at risk in an effort to hold on to power,’ when I waged war on the post office to undermine mail-in voting, because those weenie Democrats didn’t want to leave the house during Covid. If she endorses Biden again, I’ll like her 200 per cent less. – This article was first published in The New York Times