We need to examine how we talk to people

A clumsy compliment can be just as damaging as a malicious insult. No matter the intentions, we need to examine the way we choose to talk to people. When an individual is complimented in specifics, about something they may or may not have chosen to change there are insinuations that accompany that comment.

For example; the most common compliment, “You look great! Have you lost weight?”. Now, when someone has been working hard on their physical health and you know that they are doing so in a safe manner, this compliment could be harmless. However, to an individual with slightly fragile mental health, poor self-image or just simply wasn’t aware they had lost weight, this compliment could have a myriad of different meanings.

The human mind uses selective bias to confirm what it wants to be true. So, those seven words put together suggest that the person receiving the compliment didn’t look as good before, and therefore weight loss is the only way they’ll be viewed as attractive. Now, I’m fully aware that that was a huge leap; but that’s what the mind does. People choose to cut their hair, get their makeup done, wear specific clothes. Compliments are not inherently dangerous unless they can suggest that due to a change, a person has suddenly become more desirable, likeable or attractive than they were previously.

By simply isolating the, “You look great” in that initial compliment half of the danger is removed. What would make the compliment even more effective though, is if it wasn’t based on physical appearance. Simple acts of kindness and generosity go unnoticed every day. Maybe instead of complimenting your friend’s appearance you could thank them for holding open the door, for working around your busy schedule. You could tell them that they are smart, kind, generous and that you value their friendship.

The shallow nature of our compliment-based self-validation has a huge amount to answer for. Many people feel the need to spend half their day in the gym, carefully attempting to remould their body, take drugs and watch every calorie they inhale in an attempt to change. Those who don’t may feel guilt. Those who take part in this image-obsessed culture may still feel the need to purchase the latest gym gear to prove that they are working hard, buy the newest protein shake, slimming tea, spandex and make sure that they are presenting the best version of themselves at all times. The longer this continues, the more difficult it will become to leave the house. Each day will present a new obstacle; maybe your hair won’t co-operate, you left your gym gear at home, the rain ruined your makeup, a new fitness trend has taken hold and you are already 10 steps behind everyone else.

It is impossible to keep up. If you are going to the gym for your health or because you enjoy it then good for you, live your life. If you are making changes purely based on your own taste, opinion and desire then please, take no offence.

However, if you have ever felt anxious because you have chosen to take a day off from the gym, guilty for eating something, self-conscious for not owning the trendiest brand or going out without your basic makeup routine done, there is a problem. Talk to your friends, address the elephant in the room. I guarantee many of them feel that they are competing to keep up with you. The pedestal needs to be lowered. Your most natural self has to be enough for those around you or else you need to find better people to surround yourself with.