Tutankhamun gets pride of place in Fishy's crib

TV View: To be honest we couldn't quite put our finger on precisely what was wrong with English Premiership players until we happened upon MTV's Footballers Cribs last week. It was really only when we saw Aston Villa's Jlloyd Samuel and his spinning hub-caps that we got it: even lads who have yet to establish themselves at clubs that are relegation contenders have so much money they have to lie awake all night trying to think of ways to spend it.

And, thus, they're far too exhausted to produce the goods when they turn up for footballing duty.

Fortunately Jlloyd was an unused sub for Villa against Liverpool on Saturday, so he had time to catch up on his sleep, but those who criticise these fellas for a lack of commitment have no idea just how difficult it must be for them to focus their thoughts on football when there are so many off-the-field distractions. Like deciding what to do with your Tutankhamun.

Those of you who thought Tutankhamun was housed in the Cairo Museum were mistaken, he's currently to be found just behind the poker table in Mark Fish's games room.

This is quite probably not the fate Howard Carter had in mind for the Pharaoh when he dug him up in the 1920s, nor indeed is he likely to have intended him being used as Fishy uses him.

"It's a CD holder," he told us.

Fish was released by Charlton last summer and has been looking for a new club since. But he can still afford to buy Tutankhamun (oh all right - it's a lifesize copy) for the purpose of giving a home to his Guns 'n' Roses CDs.

When Fishy has reached this level of opulence where's his incentive to bust his bottom to find employment? And why, if you were Jlloyd Samuel, would you make yourself sweat to establish yourself in the first team when sitting on the bench has already earned you a mansion by the name of Aston House, featuring five bedrooms, five bathrooms, a reception room, games room, hot tub and a special room to house your collection of trainers?

Mind you, in the unlikely event of Jlloyd ever sweating he has a selection of aftershaves that would drown out the most sinister of pongs.

"You can see I like my aftershaves," he said, as he pointed to dozens of bottles, "this is your Gucci - everyone knows about your Gucci".

And your Gucci soon knew about Jlloyd's bedroom.

"This is where the magic happens," he told us, as he showed us a bed as big as the Villa Park pitch. It's a wonder Jlloyd and his partner can find each other to produce any magic at all.

When the magic concludes they take their baby for a spin in one of Jlloyd's many vehicles, "the baby mobile", complete with spinning hub caps and "TVs in the back and front".

God alone knows what kind of fleet Jlloyd would accumulate if he ever actually established himself as a half decent Premiership player.

Incidentally, the presenter of Footballers Cribs is none other than the England manager's other half. "Hi, I'm Nancy Dell'Olio and theees is Foot-a-balloooors' Creebs, a fabalis insight to a world of glamooooor, wealth and big fish tanks," she told us, in a manner so sizzling you could understand why Sven looks permanently dazed.

Speaking of dazed. Alex Ferguson looked a bit that way after his boys slayed the Chelsea dragon yesterday. "Going in to the game had you known more pressure on you in your 19-year tenure here?" the Sky Sports man asked him after the game.

"Na, that's absolute bollocks that, absolute nonsense," he replied.

"I have to ask you to mind your language, there are children watching," gulped the Sky man.

"If you were offended by the language we do apologise for that," apologised Richard Keyes back in the studio, but everyone watching, surely, could forgive Alex on the day that was in it - after all, as Trevor Steven had put it on RTÉ after United lost to Lille, "they're on the crest of a slump".

Oddly enough, most of the targets of Roy Keane's ire came good. Alan Smith was man of the match.

"I can't understand why people in Scotland rave so much about Darren Fletcher," Keane had said, very possibly adding yesterday: "but I can understand why people in Manchester are delirious about him".

And John O'Shea? Keane wanted him to impose himself a bit more on the opposition. Well, as Sky's Andy Gray put it:

"Look at that! Look at O'Shea! He was almost in Joe Cole's shorts there!"

Now, that's what you call commitment. Enough to get Cole's hub-caps spinning.