The long and short of it - ban all artificial aids

Cartoonist MARTYN TURNERsays those with other weaknesses in their game just have to grin and bear it, so why not bad putters?

Q – So what’s the reason for these long putters?

A – Well, as you know golf is a game for relaxation and, consequently, causes a lot of stress. Stress and tension are the enemy of the golfer and can cause quite disruptive behaviour and peculiar swings. When it comes to putting, stress can cause the yips, a strange phenomenon unknown to golf until Bernhard Langer came along.

I once watched Herr Langer three -putt the 8th green at Portmarnock and he utilised a different putting grip for each putt. These days he probably uses one of them long-shafted lads. They have fewer moving parts than normal putters and, consequently, are less stressful to use as there are fewer muscles to go walkabout when you take the putter back.

In my childhood I had a story implanted in my brain that just won’t go away. It told of an American professional who, after years and years of struggling to make a living from golf, found himself on Sunday afternoon on the 18th green with two putts from 40 feet to win his first tournament.

He crouched over the ball and the crowd waited, and waited, and waited. After a minute or so his caddie wandered over to see if he was okay. He wasn’t. He was catatonic, or cataleptic (I never could tell the difference). They lifted him up by the elbows and carried him off the green to the waiting ambulance. They hadn’t invented long-shafted putters in those days.

Q – Are there any disadvantages to the long-shafted putter?

A – There are many. Firstly, they cost money and that is in short supply at present.

Secondly, after you have wasted another €200 on an unnecessary piece of golf equipment and have still missed a straight two-footer, you will discover they are harder to throw and, because of their large size, you are more likely to hit your companions when you do throw the darned thing. But don’t worry, your golf club subscription probably includes insurance.

Thirdly, you need a deeper lake to drown it in when you have finally had enough of that experiment.

Q – But do they work?

A – Well, no one has won a Major using one (or did Keegan Bradley win a Major? Is that his name? No one with a sensible name has ever won a Major). So if you want to win a Major, and you have a sensible name, stick to the normal one. But more and more people are using them as they perceive an advantage and, as you know, perception is everything. People also perceive that left below right works better, that breathing in before you putt works better, that jumbo grips work better, that two-thumb grips work better and, in some regions of the world, that human sacrifice to appease the gods of putting does the trick every time.

Q – How can I try one?

A – If you are ageing nicely just wait a while and that vast piece of obesity known as your stomach will expand enough and drop ground-wards enough for you to use your normal putter as a belly putter.

Or try kneeling on the practice putting green (if there isn’t a notice forbidding this) and tucking the putter under your chin.

While you are on your knees try praying. That also works in some regions of the world.

Q – Should they be banned?

A – You are asking the wrong person here, guv. In my view golf should be as simple as possible. I would ban long putters right away. I would also ban range finders (I played with a Frenchman recently who even used one of those damn things to measure the length of his chip shots).

As he went round in 109, and took five hours doing so, I suggested he spent less money on gadgets and more on golf lessons. Fortunately for Franco/Hiberno relations he didn’t understand a word I said in either language.

I would even ban 150-yard markers as I think golf should be played by eye, and as quickly as possible. I am a dinosaur but as I am bigger than you, don’t argue with me.

But, actually, should they be banned? Well if it can be shown that they are an advantage to the weak of putting, yes they should. Other technological advances in balls and equipment only make a marginal difference and are available to everyone, good or bad.

People with other handicaps – can’t drive straight, can’t see straight, are feeble and long in the tooth, can’t chip without skinning the ball through the green etc etc – don’t have artificial aids to fall back on. They have to lump it.

And so should bad putters – amongst whom I am proud to be numbered.