Tale of Gascoigne's dog days

If it proves to have been the last time we see this enigmatic, occasionally loveable but often loathsome, simple yet complex, sporting superstar on the big stage it will be a tragedy.

Breathless, flabby, unable to keep up with the pace, suddenly looking pitifully ordinary and out of their depth . . . it was painful to watch. There's still time to come back though and prove everyone wrong, time to dazzle us with that true genius once more, time to confront and defeat the demons within and time to heal those self-inflicted wounds. It won't be easy, it will take guts and a degree of maturity never displayed before, but it CAN be done. Just ask Tony Adams. Or Alvin Stardust.

Sadly it is clear that the road to redemption has not yet been taken. Those of us who refused to rub salt in to the wounds of this troubled soul last week couldn't help but feeling a little let down when, instead of responding with a dignified silence to such public humiliation, the first course of action taken was to sell their whole sorry story to a tabloid. It's hard to shake off the habits of a lifetime, we know, but one must try when one's career is at stake.

But enough of Wilma the greyhound, what a week Paul Gascoigne had. Actually, when you think about it, the parallels between Wilma and Gazza's stories last week were remarkable, as evidenced by Sky News's half-hourly updates on the fate of the two creatures, who were busy locking the stable door long after the horse had bolted. "Gazza went to a health farm for lunch with the family this afternoon," Sky's Glen Oglaza told us on Monday ("Gazza's under intense media pressure," said Oglaza, while standing on Gazza's front lawn . . . where he appeared to stay for the entire week). "But first he swam several lengths of the hotel's pool - some might say if he'd done more of that the past few weeks, instead of eating kebabs, he'd now be in the England World Cup squad."

Cut to Wilma's story. "After finishing last in a race in Poole, Dorset yesterday Wilma the greyhound kept on running and was last seen tearing down the A35," Sky's Bob Friend told us on Wednesday. As reported in an English newspaper last week a motorist on the A35 phoned the police to say: "I've just been overtaken by a greyhound." If only an out-of-shape Wilma had produced that kind of speed in her race at Poole there would have be no need for her to run from the stadium in such mortified embarrassment. After a promising start to her career in England, when she had a creditable third-place finish in only her second race, she has now had three successive last place finishes. On Friday Sky reported that she had been found hiding in a bush on the outskirts of Poole and was hardly home when she had negotiated a deal with a leading tabloid for her "kiss 'n' bark" story.

And Gazza, of course, did the very same thing with the Sun newspaper once he was given the bad news by Glenn Hoddle. And the similarities grow. Sky consulted a dog psychologist to discover what exactly had gone wrong with Wilma ("she was frightened", we were informed) and they did the very same thing to find out how Gazza would cope with Hoddle's rejection. "He will need nurturing if despair isn't to turn to decline," said Chris Evans, human psychologist and part-time DJ.

Of course not everyone accepted that Gazza should have been dropped. In fact many of his supporters put forward conspiracy theories to explain his axing from the squad. Danny Baker appeared on Friday's Have I Got News For You, on BBC2, and alleged that it was a "bourgeois" conspiracy by Hoddle, who only wanted middle-class footballers in his squad. (Lord Teddy of Sheringham? Viscount Paul d'Ince? Earl Batty David of St James's Park? Perhaps there were some magic mushrooms in that kebab Danny munched on his night out with Gazza). On ITV's Wednesday Night Live, which assembled pro and anti Gazza camps to discuss Hoddle's decision, Glen Rising wondered if a little brown envelope might have swayed Hoddle's mind. "I dunno if he's taken a bung from someone or somefing, I just can't understand it. Ludicrous, innit?" "Why are you in mourning - this guy hasn't played a decent game of football since 1990," said newspaper columnist Carole Malone. "Wot," said an angry Rising. "That's a loada ludicrous, innit."

Family friend John Rogerson from Gateshead also leapt to Gazza's defence, insisting that "he likes a drink like everyone else but he doesn't get drunk", a claim that sent most of the audience in to fits of laughter.

Another family friend, Alan Fitzsimmons, revealed that Gazza "does a lot of things for charity". Barry Fry, the Del Boy of English football management, backed up this claim. "Yeah, he goes to charity and wheels kids in wheelchairs not a 100 yards but FIVE MILES," he yelled. "And?" asked the viewers at home, but Barry never explained what this had to do with his non-selection for the World Cup. The real highlight of the show came towards the end when Brahim Ibnou-Chiekh made his appearance. Brahim is the man who sold Gazza THAT kebab in the early hours of a Soho morning and probably left the ITV building under an armed guard, so vicious were the looks he got from the Gateshead lads in the audience when he was introduced.

Glen Rising, in particular, wasn't impressed by Brahim's presence. "He's milking it, inne, he's just another parasite on Gazza." "But what the papers said was wrong," insisted Brahim. "Gazza had just a chicken kebab and salad and NO chips at all." It threatened to turn ugly, so presenters Nicky Campbell and Mary Nightingale called time on the discussion, just as Glenn Hoddle had called time on Gazza's international career. Even though he does a lot of things for charity.

There was a much more civilised Gazza debate on Monday's Newsnight, on BBC2, when journalists Robert Elms and Jim White gave their thoughts on the whole affair. "There's been a tension at the centre of the English psyche going right back to the Civil War between the Cavalier and the Roundhead and Gazza has always trodden that path and this is why we find him so fascinating," explained White. "That's a loada ludicrous, innit," Glen Rising would have said, and we probably would have agreed with him. Last word to James Brown, editor of GQ magazine, who appeared on Monday's Channel Four News (whose reporter described Gazza as "a social delinquent with a penchant for saturated fats"). "Well, he's pissed it all away, hasn't he," concluded James. Now that's a loada common sense, innit?