Sweetness and light in RTÉ studio as Mushroomgate forgotten

TV VIEWMood remains uniformly positive after stalemate in Montenegro, writes Mary Hannigan

IT WAS, we're sort of certain, a man called Bill Ballance who once said, "falling in love is like eating mushrooms, you never know if it's the real thing until it's too late". Bill died a few years ago, hopefully not having consumed a dodgy shiitake in his stir-fry, but we thought of him yesterday when Mushroomgate erupted, Giovanni Trapattoni having declared war on the tasty fungus.

We were, to be honest, hoping for a heated debate about mushrooms when RTÉ's coverage kicked off, seeing as it now appears that we haven't qualified for a major tournament since 2002 because the lads have been scoffing punnets of the things pre-match. From the Harry Ramsden challenge 20 years ago, to mushroom prohibition in 2008, we've come an awful long way.

"Well Bill, personally I don't see the problem with mushrooms - fried in a little butter and oil they're delicious, although - and this is just a personal opinion, and the game is all about opinions - my own favourite is oven-baked mushroom risotto, preferably cooked with those porcini lads," John Giles would have told Bill if Bill had bothered to ask.

"With all due respect," Ronnie Whelan might have said, "I prefer me mushrooms stuffed with sausage", at which point the Dunphy man would have dismissed the mushroom as "a good fungus, but not a great fungus".

There was divil a mention of mushrooms, though, on RTÉ, and over on Setanta even if Paul Dempsey wanted Pat Dolan and Michael Robinson to exchange punches over the issue there wasn't time, Russia and Wales overrunning so horribly we were barely in Montenegro in time for the anthems.

Back on RTÉ they ignored Mushroomgate altogether, instead focusing on the issue of whether Giovanni is, in fact, the answer to our footballing prayers. Giles, Dunphy and Ronnie were reluctant to genuflect just yet, not least because Andy Reid is as popular with the manager as, say, Sarah Palin is with moose.

Ronnie did, though, concede that "Andy Reid is a liability when we don't have the ball", at which point Dunphy countered that "sometimes Hunt and McGeady are a liability when we DO have the ball", which is never a good thing.

Dunphy, however, insisted McGeady more than deserved his place in the team. Now, considering we once believed Bernie Slaven would be Ireland's Marco Van Basten and that Paul Butler would be our Franco Baresi, just before his international career ended following his debut, when he was more Titus Bramble than Franco, we're not about to hurl rocks about our glasshouse. But still . . .

"He's improved immensely in the last 12 months," said Dunphy of McGeady, which is just as well. Ten months ago he said of the fella "if he's the main creative force in the Celtic team, they're in trouble". What did he need to improve? "A brain transplant, maybe. He's from a long line of brainless wingers", he declared.

Now? "He should be in the side - he's a top, top player, in my opinion, just about as good as we've got." A successful transplant, then.

Off we went. "There's certainly not many of the prawn sandwich brigade around tonight," noted Brian Kerr on Setanta, as he had a look at the crowd. An absence of brain matter too, as it proved, amongst the charmers who greeted Steven Reid's early touches with monkey noises.

Half-time, 0-0. Paul Dempsey welcomed us back to the studio but then threatened us with the second half of Iceland v Scotland "LIVE!!" later in the evening. We didn't let that frighten us away, though, staying on to hear Paul ask Pat "what can we hope for in the second half". "A shot on goal," Pat told Paul.

Second half. Shay Given? Trapattoni should hand-feed him all the mushrooms he desires.

"Very happy, very satisfied," said Gilesie at full-time. "Satisfied but disappointed," said Ronnie. Dunphy? Spooky stuff: ecstatic. Bill was puzzled. He thought the win was there for the taking, if only Giovanni had been a tad more adventurous.

(Note: we haven't made this up). Dunphy: "RTÉ shouldn't be always knocking the Irish manager, we've got one of the best managers in the world, we're going to South Africa, this project is on track, relax Bill, we'll be doing it from South Africa, live Bill, LIVE!"

"All I can say to ya," said Bill, "is 'poacher turned gamekeeper'".

Just time for a quick Trap chat. "I am very, very happy," he said, "I congratulation alla the players." In fact, so chuffed did he sound, the team probably dined on oven-baked mushroom risotto last night. Just a one-off, mind, there's a bit of work to be done yet.