Stadium of Light it ain't in Albania as Neighbours lose the plot

Mary Hannigan's TV View:Network Two, soon after the game started. All set for Bill, Gilesie and Eamo. But. Neeeeighbours, everybody needs good neeeeighbours, with a little understanding, you can find the perfect bleeeeend.

Eh? That's when good neeeeeighbours become good friends. And then we saw Toadie and Darcy, rather than Gilesie and Eamo, in a spot of bother, before Harold and Lou started searching for Ruby. Don't ask.

It was then the reality of the FAI deal with Sky hit home. And it was then barefoot mothers carried their under-nourished babes to the nearest pub so they could see the game - but we don't want the FAI to feel bad about it. The awful truth: our neighbours have the rights to our games. But, would our good neeeeeighbours become our good friends? No, damn it.

"Stay with this channel because immediately after the Irish it's the Big One, England against Turkey live," said Sky presenter Paul Dempsey - an Irishman, mark you - setting the tone for the night.

What d'ya mean the Big One, Big Ears? It was then that this couch pined for Billo. "Hello, good evening and welcome," he'd have said. "Welcome to the biggest game in the history of Irish football - ever (well, since last Saturday's fixture against Georgia). John Giles, are you wetting yourself?" "Eh, no Bill, no I'm not," Gilesie would have said. "Gilesie? Are you sure," Billo would have asked. "Eeeeh, okay Bill, I haven't felt this excited since . . . since . . . Noah was a boy," Gilesie would have said.

("Pah - Noah was a grade A chancer, too fond of the cameras, too fond of patting himself on the back, a charlatan, an impostor, . . . " Eamo would have demurred).

Back to reality.

"Even Steve Staunton once scored against Albania," said Dempsey, introducing Steve Staunton. Staunton's face said: wanna slap? "Terrific win against Georgian," said Ray Houghton, the second of Sky's studio guests. "A point would be a good point," said Steve, "the most important thing is not to get beat."

"Yes," said Dempsey, "England v Turkey, immediately after we finish with the action in Tirana," he said, which left us Oirish folk with decoders concluding Albania v Ireland was Sky's egg mayonnaise before the steak and chips.

Just before kick-off, time for a quick visit to the Stadium of Light.

"Alan, what will make the difference tonight," Richard Keyes asked Alan Shearer. "Eh, a good performance," said Shear-rah. Richard nodded solemnly. And then said: "Not to be forgotten, Turkey were World Cup finalists," which will be news to Brazil and Germany.

Back to Tirana. Have to say, the subscription fee was made "cheap at the price" on hearing Staunton, in his incomparable Louth/Liverpool/Birmingham accent, analyse the Albanian midfield, which included "Lala" - Duro, Hasi and Murati completed the quartet, not, unfortunately, Tinky-Winky, Dipsy and Po.

Over to the ground. Niall Quinn on duty. Ever chirpy, ever optimistic, until the match kicked off. Lordy. Half-time. Dempsey. "It's only the start on Sky Sports 1, stay with us for England against Turkey, coming immediately after we've finished in Tirana.

Ray Houghton? "Should Albania be in front in this game?" "Def-in-eye-tely," said Ray. He was very close to adding to his analysis when Dempsey said: "meanwhile at the Stadium of Light . . . here's Sven-Goran Eriksson's thinking on Wayne Rooney."

After the break. "Live to the Stadium of Light. There's Sven-Goran Eriksson getting off the team coach. But business to attend to in Tirana first." Second half. A minute to go. "We're moving in to a crucial phase now," said Quinn, who, like ourselves, must have snoozed through the opening 89.

Full-time. Dempsey. "We're nearly finished here, but the Stadium of light offers Wayne Rooney a full debut. Ray and Steve it's been a pleasure - England are at home tonight."

Jaysus Paul, we know already, we know.