Sorry is the hardest word

Planet Football: This is getting complicated. A fortnight ago the Sunquoted Diego Maradona apologising for his Hand of God goal against England in the 1986 World Cup finals.

"If I could apologise and go back and change history I would do . . . but I cannot, all I can do now is move on," he supposedly said.

Grand, all sorted. Except now Maradona is demanding an apology from the Sunfor claiming he apologised.

"At no time did I apologise to anyone, I said you can't change history," he declared when he got back to Argentina.

He might, though, end up having to apologise to some former team-mates who attacked him for apologising to England, which he didn't. Are you keeping up?

"They ( Sun) changed my words and my former team-mates who queue up to criticise me for it are sons of whores," he told yesterday's Observer.

That didn't go down tremendously well with former Argentinian striker Jose Sanfilippo. "He ought to be careful who he's calling a son of a whore. If I was one of the 1986 team I would hunt him down and punch the tits off him. Who is he? He thinks he can say whatever he likes."

Lads? Enough. Just apologise to each other.

Quotes of the week

"He's probably not been interviewed yet, the new fella, so **** knows."

- Damien Duff, when asked if he thought the new Irish manager might have been watching on Wednesday night.

"Trapattoni is from a different galaxy to Venables. It's like comparing Abraham Lincoln to George W Bush."

- Eamon Dunphy, still harbouring a doubt or three about Tel's credentials for the job.

"I have been fighting my weight for 12 years. I can't have a burger without putting on half a stone."

- John Hartson, who announced his retirement last week. Half a stone? That's a big Big Mac.

"It was like Deal or No Deal. He had a flipchart and lifted a sheet up to reveal the one with the team on it. I was waiting for the crowd to cheer."

- David James on Fabio Capello's unveiling of his team selection before last Wednesday's game.

"He's played the full 90 minutes (against Guaduloupe) and then he's getting on a flight . . . we have to help with the travel arrangements. If we left it to them (the Trinidad and Tobago Football Association), I think he'd be on a ferry."

- Roy Keane on Sunderland's efforts to get Kenwyne Jones back from the Caribbean last week.

"Yes, I'd be interested in the Ireland job. It would have to be in a few years' time - and they'd all have to go, the whole of the FAI, every single blazer and committee man. But can you imagine me working for the FAI?"

- Keane again. And the answer is: nope.

"The usual rubbish that goes when someone like me is sacked from a club like Newcastle is that the job was too big for me. If I'm honest, the reverse is probably true. Newcastle probably wasn't big enough for me, it didn't live up to my ambitions in the short time that I was there."

- Sam Allardyce. That Toon wasn't big enough for him.

Junior is ready to Go-Go

With 10 goals so far this season for Nottingham Forest, Junior Agogo is no stranger to picking up bonuses for scoring. But when he got the winner for Ghana against Nigeria in the Africa Cup of Nations, to send them through to the last four, he was reported to have been promised a rather unusual dividend.

The claim was that an 82-year-old Ghanaian fan approached Agogo in the team hotel and said: "I came here last night with my very beautiful granddaughter to introduce her to you. She is not here with me now because she wanted to pick something up from town. Son, when she comes, she is all yours."

Was Agogo stunned and horrified? Maybe, although he was reported as responding thus: "Thank you very much, I appreciate that and I am waiting to see her." Not sure how he'll explain this one to the authorities at Heathrow.

Still more quotes

"I would like to play in Spain one day. I also would like to play in Portugal again and Italy - but much more in Spain. But I feel well in England . . . (I would like to stay) for 10 or 20 years."

- Cristiano Ronaldo, evidently planning on retiring when he's 86.

"I don't need to demonstrate that I am the number one in the world. Over the nine months of the season the work you do will show who really is the best. If I am named the best in the world, it won't be a surprise to me."

- Ronaldo again, still battling with self-esteem issues.

"England have to play like England. But maybe a little bit better."

- Franco Baldini, Fabio Capello's assistant.

"I could not cope with another season like this one when Wenger has made me feel totally useless. A player must be able to smile. A sad Brazilian is no good, especially on a football pitch. Right now I really am struggling to battle on."

- Arsenal's Gilberto, sounding a touch unsettled.

"The only feedback I've had off the chairman is him asking me, 'Are you doing all right lad? Do you want a pie?' I'm pleased he seems happy."

- Steve Bruce, amply fed by his Wigan chairman Dave Whelan.

"Is it April the 1st?"

- Middlesbrough manager Gareth Southgate when told of the proposals for English clubs to play matches abroad.

"It's a nonsense idea. In England you already have no English coach, no English players and maybe now you will have no clubs playing in England. It's a joke."

- And Uefa president Michel Platini wasn't wildly enthusiastic either.

"Seriously, some guys need to be careful. Those who get fat, have big arses, think more about nightlife and fashion shows than football - they might all miss the boat. I'm sending out a message. I'm watching, examining, reading interviews. I'm on their case."

- Luiz Felipe Scolari lets his Portuguese players know he's keeping an eye on them ahead of Euro 2008.

Grazie? No

We felt for the Sunlast week when they went to the trouble and expense of hiring a lip-reader, John Cassidy, to report back any insightful utterances on the touchline from Fabio Capello during his first England game in charge.

These were, eh, the highlights: 5th minute: "Gerrard! Come on!" 30th: "Hey, move over." 41st: "Down the side, down the side." 82nd: "Vayne, Vayne . . . okay?" 91st: "Hey, hey." And at the full-time whistle: "Thank you very much" (to the Swiss manager).

"He is a man of few words, but then again it could just be the language barrier," said Cassidy.

The Sun? "What a waste of money," they probably cried.