President Trump on Euro 2016: ‘I hate the French. They suck at wars’

Group A

France – "I hate the French. They suck at wars and all they eat is cheese and garlic. Disgusting. French women, I like very much."

Romania – "I have only one question for the Romanians. What's with the clothes? Why so baggy? Is it so they can hide other Romanians under there?"

Albania – "Small potatoes. Have you seen the population of Albania? They could all fit in Trump Tower and I'd still have a floor to myself. Not that I'd let them in, obviously."

Switzerland – "Trust me, I have no problems with the Swiss. Some of my favourite money is taken care of by the Swiss. Love the Swiss. Up the Swiss!"

Group B

England – "The English love me. I've met them all. The Queen, Elton John. Tremendous people. I would have slept with Princess Diana without hesitation."

Russia – "The Russians? Great vodka, great women. I like Vladimir Putin because he called me a genius. He said Trump is the real leader. He's a smart guy."

Wales – "The Welsh mean nothing to me. Who even are the Welsh? Are they the dragon guys? Hey, I like that Game of Thrones. The mother of dragons is a hot piece of ass."

Slovakia – "I love the Slovakians. Their prime minister banned Muslims and he's going to build a wall to keep them out. He's the Trump of Europe! I love that guy!"

Group C

Germany – "The Germans aren't the same since they got rid of the wall. My ancestors came from Germany to make America great. But they left behind a lot of not very pretty people. Have you seen Merkel?"

Ukraine – "The Ukrainians have got to be part of Russia again. That's when they were great. They should join up with Putin and quit crying."

Poland – "I love the Polish. Great workers. I've paid a lot of money to Polish workers over the years. Those court judgments were tremendously unfair but I paid the money."

Northern Ireland – "I love the Northern Irish. Remember that time I sent the scuba diver into the lake to get Rory McIlroy's three-iron? You can't say Trump doesn't care about Northern Irish millionaires."

Group D

Spain – "The Spanish know how the world works. They sent all the Muslims out of Spain 500 years ago. Don't tell me the Spanish don't know what's what."

Czech Republic – "I love the Czechs. My first wife Ivana was Czech. My kids speak Czech. Have you seen my daughter Ivanka? She has a hot body. If I wasn't her father, I would date her."

Turkey – "The Turks, those guys are dangerous. I think those guys are big friends of Isis. The Turks don't want to make America great again, I'll tell you that for nothing."

Croatia – "The Croatians are very unimpressive. They had that guy Davor Suker playing for them. That's a terrible name. They could only suck with Suker!"

Group E

Belgium – "The Belgians have a terrible country. How many languages does one country need? And have you been to Brussels? It's a hellhole. Belgium sucks."

Italy – "The Italians love Trump. I'm rich, I'm successful, I'm always surrounded by beautiful women. Like that Berlusconi guy!"

Republic of Ireland – "I love the Irish. I went there once and they sent the King of Ireland to meet me at the airport. He brought his band and some dancing girls. They couldn't get enough of Trump!"

Sweden – "I love the Swedes. My family came from Sweden originally. I know I said they came from Germany but Sweden sounds better."

Group F

Portugal – "I don't have time to talk about Portugal. Far as I'm concerned, Portuguese people are the same as Spanish, but with worse wine."

Iceland – "Who needs Iceland anyway? A country the size of Central Park and they nearly brought down the world economy. Iceland can bite me."

Austria – "Why would I care about Austria? Austria is just Germany with less money. I don't need Austria in my life and neither do you."

Hungary – "Somebody told me the Hungarian prime minister thinks he's Trump. I gotta tell you, it will take more than kicking the Muslims out to be Trump. Has he a hot wife? No? Then he's no Trump!"

As imagined by Malachy Clerkin