Relief as `swimmer' doesn't sink

It brought back painful memories of those swimming lessons when you'd thrash and flail and flap your arms, legs, knees, elbows, neck and ears but still your only movement was downwards. And then you'd get out of the pool, throw your armbands, oxygen tank, goggles, flippers and lifejacket at your instructor and tell him "if I want to cross water I'll get a ferry, right?"

At least we didn't see our first ever televised Olympic drowning, although it was touch and go for Eric Moussambani in his 100-metres freestyle heat. "It looks at this point like he might not make it," said a concerned Adrian Moorehouse. "Mmm, I'm afraid they might have to get a lifeguard to jump in and get him," his BBC co-commentator Andy Jemson agreed. ("If he's in the 1,500 freestyle he'll have to start on Wednesday," added Moorehouse).

Even when I fast forwarded the tape of Moussambani's "swim" (sic) he still appeared to be moving in slow motion, which is a whole lot less speedier than the agents hovering around the Olympic village will be now moving in his direction, I reckon. In fact Eric will probably earn more from advertising, sponsorship, chat show appearances, his own range of inflatable swimwear and book deals than Ian Thorpe will muster financially. No one else really had the heart to ask the question but the BBC's Roger Black couldn't resist: "how did he get here?" Sharron Davis couldn't quite explain but one thing was clear: he didn't swim. We soon learned that Moussambani trains in a 20-metre pool because Equatorial New Guinea doesn't have a 50-metre one. God, imagine a country sending swimmers to the Olympics when they don't have an Olympic-standard pool. The Third World, eh?

Equatorial New Guinea mightn't be Olympic big-shots but, let's be honest, they've won no fewer medals than Ireland so far. We're finished in the boxing too, after Michael Roche's first-round defeat. "He was throwing too many hooks and I find that hard to understand because I'm sure when he comes back here to Dublin he'll take the shortest route to Cork, straight down - he won't go around through Galway to get home," said Mick Dowling on Good Morning Sydney, earning the title of "most original and unique Olympic expert analysis" to date.

Maybe we'll pick up a gong in the shooting, maybe Alan Lewis (in the 50 metre-rifle prone) will get a lift home on an open-top bus in Dublin. Alan learnt his sporting trade at fairground duck-shooting galleries which means you probably can't move in his house for furry, cuddly toys. Good for him. I tried to win a young relative a giant polyester Pokemon in a fair in Killarney during the summer but failed. Korean Mi-Jin Yun would have won that giant Pokemon. I watched this brilliant 17-year-old beating Britain's Alison Williamson in the last eight of the strangely hypnotic, soothing sport of archery and failed to figure out how she managed to even see her target, which is 70 metres away, never mind hit the centre of it. Over and over again.

She went on to win gold, of course, a feat not quite matched by Karnam Malleswari in the women's weightlifting. She had to settle for bronze in the 69 kg category but in doing so became the first Indian woman to win an Olympic medal.

Some bristle a tad at the sight of muscley women lifting humongous weights. Some even object to women playing snooker. Wouldn't it be a laugh, all the same, if the holder of the latter view ended up commentating for the BBC on women's weightlifting? Chuckle. Whoever handed out the commentating assignments for the Beeb has a deliciously ironic sense of humour. Don't they, David Vine?