Put Jedward lipstick on Ulster opener, it's still a pig of a game

TV VIEW:IT WAS probably the gut-wrenching disappointment of Jedward not winning the night before, but for the start of a brand new championship season Colm O'Rourke and Joe Brolly seemed a little on the flat side yesterday. Almost deflated.

Mercifully, Michael Lyster, as he welcomed us to the first of 31 live matches this summer, resisted whistling the Azerbaijan tune in their presence for fear of pushing the pair over the edge, but it was, to be honest, a dampish squib of a beginning to the campaign.

To add to their Eurovision despair, Colm and Joe weren’t overly enthusiastic about the match they’d been asked to punditise, “dum da dum da dum da dum” the gist of their feelings about Donegal v Antrim.

Both were confident Donegal would see off Antrim’s challenge – “handsomely,” said Joe, “fairly easily,” said Colm – but both professed to enjoying their brand of football as much as they might savour hearing the Greek Eurovision entry again.

Donegal’s only redeeming feature, Joe reckoned, was their captain Michael Murphy, “the boy mountain from Glenswilly”, but other than that, well, he just sighed. By half-time their mood had darkened.

“You know, it’s a bit like a crowd of dogs chasing a rabbit,” said Colm, concluding that what we had witnessed was something approaching Neanderthal football. Well, “a throwback to the 1970s and 1980s” at least.

Joe just scrunched his nose and attempted to locate Michael over the rim of his glasses, which is always a sign he’s not best pleased.

“Nobody would be interested in going to games to see the kind of rubbish we saw in the first half,” Colm continued. “If this is the evolution of the game then Darwin was probably right – we’re all still apes.”

Michael, while scratching his armpits, tried valiantly to lift his panel’s spirits, wondering if the half-time dressingroom chats and a substitution or two might improve matters. Colm and Joe were having none of it: ‘You can put Jedward’s Lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig’, the gist of their thoughts on the whole business.

By full-time their mood had darkened some more.

“So, June 12th, it’s Donegal against Cavan,” said Michael.

“That will have the country on the edge of their seats,” said Joe, “I can’t remember the last time I looked forward to something so much.” Mind you, if Joe and Colm thought that was “puke football” they must have missed the FA Cup final, during which there were phases when Manchester City made Stoke seem as alluring as Barcelona.

But a cup’s a cup, and seeing as Manchester City hadn’t won one since the time Brotherhood of Man triumphed in the Eurovision with the seminal Save Your Kisses for Me, Roberto Mancini was hardly going to enter Wembley humming What’s Another Year?

Stoke, to their credit, threw All Kinds of Everything at City, but met their Waterloo when Yaya Toure broke the deadlock after 9,762 minutes or so. Boom Bang-a-Bang, City had a trophy.

“****ing brilliant man, ****ing get in there,” Liam Gallagher told ESPN in a revealing post-match interview that prompted Kevin Keegan to tell us that Liam “is passionate about Manchester City”. “I heard him recently on a radio station telling Mario Balotelli to sort his head out – pot, kettle,” Craig Burley noted after popping up at ESPN’s pitchside breakfast bar.

Ray Stubbs told us Craig had arrived “fresh from our 3D coverage”, asking him how he had enjoyed the spectacular visual experience. Very much, as it proved, but not enough to persuade him to go out and buy a 3D telly. “I haven’t got one at home,” he confessed, “I go for the cheaper option – I have a couple of bottles of white wine while I’m watching the telly, that’s how I get my 3D.” Ray moved swiftly on.

Back on the pitch ESPN had cornered Mario for a word, asking him to sum up this triumphant conclusion to his debut campaign in England.

“All my season was shit. Can I say that,” he asked. “Err,” the ESPN man replied.

On to Helicopter Sunday, as Sky dubbed the climax of the Scottish Premier League season. Why? Well, a chopper with the SPL trophy on board was parked in east Kilbride, waiting to see if it should deliver the bling to Rangers or Celtic.

“Rangers are ahead by a nose, but who knows,” said our Sky man as we kicked off at Kilmarnock. And, in fairness, Kilmarnock kept the title race alive by only conceding three goals to Rangers in the opening six and a half minutes.

And with that the helicopter took to the air.

By the time it arrived at Rugby Park, the trophy took one look at Walter Smith and said Hold me now”. So he did. “Why me?” Neil Lennon asked himself.