Pundits differ and fans die laughing

World Cup TV View: Only three days in and already it's been one of the wackier World Cups, the wackiest of all sights, perhaps, that of Dwight Yorke successfully filling the midfield-enforcer role for Trinidad and Tobago against Sweden, tracking back more in 90 minutes than he did in the previous 20 years.

Comical, too, was the sight of a seemingly trolleyed Freddie Flintoff being interviewed by Ray Stubbs on the pitch before the England game. "Is it fair to say that you've been getting into the spirit of things and enjoying yourself?" asked Ray.

"Yesssh," confirmed Freddie.

By then the Beeb had been getting into the spirit of things too, giving us a rousing introduction to their coverage of England's opening game, treating us to a spot of Billy Shakespeare. "Follow your spirit and upon this charge, cry 'God for Harry, England and Saint George!'" was the gist, precisely the instruction Sven would have given Peter Crouch as he left the dressingroom.

Funnily enough, over on RTÉ, Eamon Dunphy was getting hot and bothered about the leader in that day's Telegraph.

If Henry V thought God was "for" England, the Telegraph reckoned "God probably is English", and, after Dunphy read an extract, a retching Billo concluded, "It's the kind of thing that puts you off England, isn't it?"

That, then, set the tone for the day.

And while we might always have suspected as much, Saturday confirmed it: RTÉ and the BBC just aren't watching the sameWorld Cup. Well, certainly not the same England.

"I do genuinely believe that this could be the time for 'em," said Ian Wright.

"England have a genuine chance of winning this thing," said Alan Hansen. "I really believe we can do it this time," said Alan Shearer, shortly before complaining that "there's so much hype".

Back on RTÉ, Dunphy wasn't just expressing doubts about England's ability to win the World Cup, he was forecasting a few problems against Paraguay. "I think they'll outplay England, outpass England and kill them," he said. So, already a slight difference of opinion.

The real fun and games, though, came at half-time. Ready?

Shearer: "Gerrard's been awesome." Dunphy: "Gerrard's been anonymous."

Hansen: "You have to say that first-half performance was very, very impressive.  Total control of the ball, nice variation of tactics, some great performances . . . Gerrard magnificent in the middle of the park . . . They look a very good side, England."

Brady: "They're just knocking it up to Crouch, hoping something will happen, it's just hopeful football . . . It's hard to pick a player for England who's having a really good game."

Lineker: "Some terrific play from England, plenty to be optimistic about . . . it's almost like Sven has finally grasped the nettle."

Dunphy: "It reminds me of a bad Premiership match. It's like Bolton and Birmingham, Bill." Dunphy: "They're a football team without a brain . . . I'm not saying they're brainless as such, but there is no brain."

The truth, as is oft the way, probably lay in between, but out of all the summings-up . . . well, you have to wonder, had Hansen spent too much time in the German sun?When he insisted, at full-time, that England had been "absolutely magnificent" in the first half, well, he was beginning to make Ian Wright seem like a perceptive analyst.

Anyway, by full-time Hansen and Co were sounding more like their RTÉ opposite numbers, so depressed were they by the second-half display.

Sven, predictably, got a good kicking, his choice of substitutions described by Lineker as "inexplicable", by Hansen as "completely wrong", by Shearer as "unbelievable" and Wright as "mental".

England's odds were, though, slashed at full-time when Dunphy declared they have "no chance of winning the World Cup, no chance whatsoever".

England fans should note that Dunphy, like ourselves, forecast that Liverpool hadn't a chance of winning the Champions League. In 2005. Graeme Souness kept a more level head through proceedings, which can rarely be said of Garth Crooks.

"Against Trinidad, will you be looking for a better performance?" he asked Sven.

Tough one, that. And Brady nearly fell off his seat when Crooks asked Sven if England had lost their rhythm when Michael Owen was taken off.

"What a ridiculous question! They never had any rhythm!" Later that night it was ITV's turn.

Jim Rosenthal asked Terry Venables if he was worried about Michael Owen.

"No. I think they brought him off tactically because of the fact what I was talking about," he said.

D'you know, that made as much sense as Freddie Flintoff.