Planet World Cup

Aragones has hair up . . .There's rarely a dull moment with Spanish coach Luis Aragones, who has a habit of getting himself in to trouble simply when he opens his mouth.

He was at it again when he arrived with his squad at Spain's training camp in Germany, taking offence when he was offered a bouquet of flowers by the welcoming committee - because, apparently, he took it as insult to his virility. "There's no room up my arse for the hair of a shrimp, never mind flowers," he declared, waving aside the bouquet. And behind him he left Spanish federation officials who simply didn't know where to look.

Long wait over

"It has been a long, long wait. Indeed, no fewer than 11,313 days have elapsed since the Socceroos last kicked a ball in the World Cup finals . . . (but) it proved to be the start of 32 years of bad luck, missed opportunities, and false dawns for a team and a sport still considered by many Australians as suitable only for 'sheilas, wogs and poofters'."

- Thank you for that John Huxley (Sydney Morning Herald).

Dick's bald facts

We mentioned the other day that South Korea's Dutch coach Dick Advocaat does some promotional work for a company that uses "modern laser technology to provide the solution to an age-old problem: hair loss". Set aside your scepticism about this carry-on and take a look at Dick's before and after photos (right). If he keeps this going he'll soon look like Jon Bon Jovi circa 1988. "I was afraid that the treatment would hurt, but I was wrong. I am delighted with my choice, and I now have plenty of hair to show for it," said Dick, "others comment favourably on my new look". And so do we, Dick.

Walcott puzzle

"The fact that Arsene Wenger took everybody to the Champions League final apart from Walcott says a lot. He even took the tea-lady."

- Ossie Ardiles, still a bit puzzled as to what young Theo is doing in Germany.

Veteran banger

Veteran Spain-watchers will be more than familiar with "Manolo el del bombo", Manuel Caceres, the big lad with the big hat who beats a drum through all their games. Caceres is, apparently, a veteran of seven World Cups, but he's aiming to keep going until he's 77, which would mean he'd have made it to 12 finals.

How does Caceres' family feel about his devotion to the cause. Eh, not much. "One day, in 1987, I was on my way to a Spain match and my car skidded on some ice and crashed into a ditch. I ended up in hospital for four days but I recovered and went on to Austria to watch Spain play. When I came back my family had gone, they had all left home.

"Obviously losing your family like that is a bad thing to do," he said, "but not as bad as if I had gone off with another woman. I suppose football is my mistress." And his bombo is his wife?

Lips are sealed

"At Madrid we all kiss each other before we go out. Against Jamaica, Aaron Lennon was waiting to replace me and as I approached I reached forward to kiss him, but then I thought 'no, better not'."

- David Beckham, wisely keeping his lips to himself.

Headless in Germany

Poor auld Goleo, the World Cup mascot, it's so hot over there he's losing his head.

Kiss of death

"You've been doing a great job in preparation, the whole country is behind you. Give 'em hell!"

- President Bush in a good luck phone call to the USA squad, just before the Czech Republic unleashed hell on them.

American gem

Football 365 happened to be browsing twincities.com, the website of the main newspaper in Minneapolis and St Paul, and stumbled upon this little gem: "If the government really is serious about identifying illegal immigrants, it soon will be provided a unique opportunity to record their whereabouts. All the Department of Homeland Security has to do is monitor the city-by-city television ratings of this month's World Cup soccer tournament.

"Agents should be dispatched to any area in which the ratings reflect an unnaturally high level of interest. That likely signals a concentrated pocket of illegals. As for 'real' Americans, we don't like soccer because we do understand it. And it's awful. Yes, America may be the only country that doesn't go goofy for soccer.

"We also are the only remaining super power. Don't you see a connection there?" God bless us.

Bend it like Joanne

"Dear me, she is chubby! Arms, bust, bum, all very British. Joanne is the sort of girl who drinks sangria on the beach in Majorca. And then dances on a table with her top off."

- German newspaper Bild welcomes David Beckham's sister, Joanne, to the World Cup.

Tears for Khan

Congratulations to Akram Marufshonow and Musadshon Chornidow, two football fans from Uzbekistan who cycled 4,000 miles across Europe just so they could get an autograph from . . . Oliver Kahn.

Could they not, you wonder, have just written to Bayern Munich? Anyway, Kahn was told about the pair's pilgrimage so agreed to meet them when they arrived in Berlin.

It was a decision he probably regretted. On laying eyes on the dropped German goalkeeper the pair burst into tears. Cripes, we know he's no oil painting, but he's not that bad.

Ronaldo the weirdo

"Brazil were slow and bureaucratic and only improved when Robinho came on for Ronaldo, who was slow and weird."

- Brazilian legend Tostao on Ronaldo's struggles against Croatia.

Gary is all heart

"We have everything we could possibly want in terms of preparation - even down to a press centre that's far too good for them."

- We love you too, Gary Neville.