Planet World Cup

Today's other stories in brief

Flutter of the day

We'll be keeping a close, eh, ear on John Motson's earliest utterances in his commentary on England's game today, and will raise a quizzical eyebrow or two if he asks, immediately after kick-off: "What will Sven be saying at half-time?"

Why? That's Paddy Power's outside (66 to 1) bet on what "cliche will be used first by BBC commentary from kick-off to the end of the first half and the start of the second half to the final whistle only." At 9 to 2 "metatarsal" is the favourite, although, considering it's Motty, we reckon "little-known fact" is good value at 22 to 1.

Belief not for everyone

You might have heard that Mars have renamed their bars "Believe" for the duration of the World Cup in support of England's campaign. As you can imagine the idea didn't go down all that well in Scotland, although Edinburgh firm Image Printers have ingeniously cashed in on the whole business by producing T-shirts with the slogan "Believe? Ma Arse". The first batch of 1,000 has already sold out.

Scotland the brave

Also selling well in Scotland this weather is the Trinidad and Tobago shirt with the name of their St Johnstone striker on the back: Jason Scotland. The 27-year-old is currently starring in a series of Irn-Bru commercials (eg "We're here today for Scotland's World Cup photograph - and here he is!") and is the star of Scotland's, eh, unofficial World Cup song: "The World Cup finals are on their way, With all the teams off to Germany, Brace yourself cause on every screen, There'll be nothing but the England team, But wait! Hey! There's hope at hand, We can still support Scotland, Scotland, Jason Scotland!"

If he scores against England next Thursday he'll never have to buy another can of Irn-Bru.

Verse of the day

His name's Wayne Rooney, he's no George Clooney, But without him Sven reckons England's hopes are puny.

A nation was gripped by the results of his scan, Everyone prayed for good news - well, except one man.

When England declared him 300 per cent fit, Alex Ferguson said: "that's complete s**t."

So, Fergie will watch from behind his couch, Shouting "forget Rooney, start with Peter Crouch."

But Sven will say "bog off, he's mine, He can turn my watery team into wine, And if he returns banjaxed to United, I'll accept that to Old Trafford I'll never again be invited."

To which Fergie will say "damage my boy and your end will be nigh, Upon my barbecue, your Swedish head will fry. I've already lost Roy, and probably Ruud, If I lose Rooney too I'm 300 per cent screwed. If he appears against Trinidad and Tobago, I'll kick yer arse to San Diego.

"So, Sven, you take care of my boy's broken bone, If you don't you'll discover you're . . . accident prone.

"Get my drift?"

Funny foreigners

"I never have eaten such a funny thing. It was not good, I must say." Lothar Eiermann, head of the restaurant at Australia's World Cup base, after tasting . . . Vegemite.

I'm not making excuses

"It's very goalkeeper unfriendly." England's Paul Robinson on the World Cup ball, which, he says, is more like the one used for waterpolo.

Crouch T-shirt

So who'll be the star of the World Cup? No contest, it has to be Crouchaldinho (if you're a devotee you can buy this T-shirt at www.tshirts365.com).

Will we tell them . . . ?

In a poll published last week on the website Ria Novosti six per cent of Russians said they expected their team to win the World Cup. You have to admire their optimism, not least because they haven't qualified for the finals.

England's basket case

"The only player I have seen like Crouch before is in the NBA. But the taller they are, I think, the harder they fall." Paraguay's Roque Santa Cruz looking forward to meeting England's slam-dunker.

Headline of the week

"Cometh the Hour, Cometh the Scan." Spotted on the BBC's website, referring to you know who.

Last game standing

As of yesterday the only match of the 64 that will be played in Germany for which tickets were still on sale on Fifa's website was . . . United States v the Czech Republic.

Wish I was there

"If I had to watch the World Cup on the TV I think I'd hang myself."

- Jermain Defoe speaking back in December. Ooops.

"It's not only that I don't have any desire to play anymore - I don't have any desire to live."

- Bayern Munich midfielder Martin Demichelis after he was left out of Argentina's World Cup squad.

"The essential thing is to speak to the players. Domenech did not do it. I'm not a piece of excrement. I deserve more respect. So on Monday, I will go on holiday to Australia for a month, and go canoeing amongst the kangaroos, crocodiles and penguins. If there is an injury, tough luck for him."

- Barcelona's Ludovic Giuly, heading for the outback after being left out of the French squad.

Out of Africa

"I myself will be going to Germany with my traditional Voodoo attire, because you cannot sit down here in Togo and say Togo will win. But Togo will win." Togo's chief voodoo priest, Togbui Assiogbo Gnagblondjro III.

Stats don't suit T&T

Bad news for Australia as they prepare for their opening game against Japan on Monday - sports statistician Prof Stephen Clarke has calculated they have a 0.6 per cent chance of winning the World Cup. "However, this is not bad and nowhere near as small as the chance of being killed in a terrorist attack or winning the lottery," he added, offering some comfort to Viduka and Co.

Clarke worked out the statistics using odds from an international online betting exchange and ran them through a computer model taking into account "the structural peculiarities of the World Cup competition and other factors".

If Australia are unimpressed with their results they should spare a thought for Trinidad and Tobago - after a bit of number-crunching Clarke deduced that their chances of winning the World Cup were quite low: 0 per cent, to be exact.

Silence please

"Screaming and cheering with an angry face or happy feeling are the acts of street kids. Laughing, cheering or making noise inside the pagoda violate Buddha's rules."

Supreme Patriarch Non Nget, chief of monks in Phnom Penh, revealing that his monks will be allowed watch the World Cup, but must do so in silence.