Planet Soccer

PLANET FOOTBALL: Mary Hannigan's sideways look at the world of soccer

Keane does not erupt as volcano grounds Murphy

“TOWN KEEPER Trapped By Volcano” was one of the more eye-catching headlines we spotted last week, conjuring up an Indiana Jones-type image of a goalie battling to climb out of the earth’s crust while hotly – extremely hotly – pursued by a river of lava. The truth was less dramatic, the headline referring simply to the predicament in which Ipswich goalkeeper Brian Murphy found himself. “He got stranded in Ireland because of this volcano in Iceland,” explained Roy Keane on Friday.

It was, we assumed, an excuse Keane had not heard before from one of his players trying to explain why they might be a bit late for training, but he insisted “it was one of those things”, as if this class of thing happens every other week.

“He’s due back this morning, he got the ferry. Last I heard he was in Carlisle at half-nine last night driving with his missus, God help her,” said Keane, adding the former Bohemians man wouldn’t be “disciplined”. In other words, Murphy wouldn’t be fined for the eruption of Eyjafjallajokull. There’s no doubt, that Keane fella is mellowing.

Number of the week: 46,000

THAT’S HOW many people attended Cologne’s 2-0 home win over VfL Bochum last Friday night, but we don’t know yet what percentage of them had to squeeze their luggage through the turnstiles before taking their seats. The club had, very kindly, offered free entry to any passengers stranded at the city’s airport, so long as they produced their airline tickets.

According to Cologne’s website their RheinEnergie Stadium is a place that “allows your emotions to run free” – presumably, then, cries of “all we are saying is please fly us home” went up from the stands.

Not quite quote of the week but still quite good . . .

“I always spray perfume on my shirt before we play . . . the other guys are happy with it because when I score they know I smell good when we celebrate. And also when we change shirts after games mine smells good even if it needs to be washed.”

– Florent Malouda, the rather fragrant Chelsea midfielder.

“In over 23 years at United it is the first time we have played City when they have a chance of actually achieving something.”

– Alex Ferguson reminding his neighbours of their proud history ahead of Saturday’s derby.

“They must be clever and forget their egos and realise that the only thing that matters is the team, not them. If they don’t understand that, I will need a gun.”

– French coach Raymond Domenech on his plans to bring an Uzi to South Africa lest any of his squad act up.

“Everybody was very critical at the end of last week’s defeat by Newcastle but if it was a dog fight they would be a Rottweiler and we wouldn’t even be a Chihuahua.”

– Ian Holloway whose Blackpool side is still yapping at the heels of a play-off place.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK: KEANE ON SCORING

“Attempts on goals are like going to a nightclub, you could speak to 50 girls but if you’re going home on your own it’s no good, is it? You could only speak to one and go home with her.”

– Roy “do you come here often?” Keane unimpressed by stats that show his low-scoring Ipswich side have had more shots on target than any other Championship side.

Arshavin reveals what's eating him about London living

THE WORST thing about Andrey Arshavin being injured, as he is at the moment, is he has way too much time to think about all the things that annoy him most about living in London.

This week: Eating out? “In London, you cannot just go to a good restaurant. There will be no vacant tables. They should be booked at least two days in advance and then, after a couple of hours, staff can ask you to leave as the next customers have arrived.”

Parking? “A disaster. I usually have to park mile away from the place I need.”

Kindergartens? “Kids eat, play and sleep in the same room. And as a rule it will be in a church cellar. And there is no proper schedule. If a kid says he wants to sleep, he is given a pillow and he lies down on the same floor where he was playing minutes before. The cost is £1,500 a month. In Russia, a kindergarten is only about £15 a month and it comes with a swimming pool.”

Andrey? Get well soon.

Cahill gets good ribbing from team-mates after surgery

GARY CAHILL, the Bolton defender who qualifies to play for the Republic of Ireland but is hoping to make England’s World Cup squad, had a bit a scary time of it earlier this season when a blood clot was discovered in his upper chest, a “one-in-a-million” condition that could have been life-threatening if he hadn’t had surgery in time.

The problem had been caused by his top rib and collarbone being too close together, so every time he lifted his left arm a vein and his arteries were being squeezed.

“The surgery lasted an hour and a half, and I was really sore when I came round,” he said. “That wasn’t surprising considering the surgeon had cut right across the width of my armpit and removed the whole of my top rib.”

Good grief. We were, though, thrilled to read Cahill’s team-mates have been there for him, offering comfort and support.

How exactly? “When the lads are out having a Chinese meal, they think it’s funny to send me pictures on their mobiles of spare ribs.” Aw, lovely.