Planet Football: What They'll Say On The Ratings War

ITV Producer: "Okay Ron, we're struggling in the ratings and we reckon we're losing out to David Ginola's sex appeal - we think you could be the man to take him on. Are you game?"

Big Ron: "Tell you what Brian, I certainly am." ITV Producer: "Okay, talk sexy."

Big Ron: "Right. 'Ello darlin', fancy a quick how's-your-father in the back of my motor'. How's that?"

ITV Producer: (Sigh). "No Ron, that's not quite what I had in mind. Pretend you're French, that always works."

Big Ron: "Right. 'Ello darlin', fancy a quick hows-your-father in the back of my motor - I'll even give you a look at my Eiffel Tower, wink, wink, know what I mean babe?'. How's that?" ITV Producer: "Ron, close the door behind you, and tell Bobby Robson I want a word."

South Africa V Denmark

Jimmy Magee: "Lads, can you hear me, Toulouse calling?"

Andy and Niall: "Yes Jimmy, what's wrong?"

Jimmy: "Ah, I'm just bored out of my skull here - 85 minutes gone and there hasn't been a shot on goal. It's like watching Cliff Thorburn play snooker."

Andy and Niall: "Yeah, it's not the best Jimmy."

Jimmy: "Tell you what lads, seeing as I'm the Memory Man, ask me a question."

Andy and Niall: "Ah Janie Jimmy, you'd better concentrate on the match - you're meant to be commentating."

Jimmy: "Lads, this shower wouldn't score in a month of Thursdays - trust me. Go on, just one."

Andy and Niall: "Okay, name the last Danish player to score in the World Cup finals?"

Jimmy: "Ah lads, that's an insult to the Memory Man. Breen Laudruuup, born February 22nd, 1969, if my memory serves me right (and it usually does), precisely four years and eight months after his brother Meekel was born in the same Copenhagen hospital (St Margarita's Ward, midwife: Agneta), crossed from the right in the 68th minute of last Friday's match against Saudi Arabia and none other than Marc Jonsen Rieper, whose milkman's bank manager is a distant relation of Duncan Ferguson's solicitor, buried the ball in the back of the net with a header. Am I right gentlemen, or am I right?"

Andy and Niall: "You're wrong Jimmy - the last goal Denmark scored in the World Cup finals was five seconds ago, Miklos Molnar with a screamer from the edge of the box."

Jimmy: "Bugger, missed it."