Oi, forget Roonaldo and all that Everton's-answer-to-Michael-Owen business, time to focus your loving thoughts on young David Connolly. Yes, admittedly, we never had him down as a goal-poaching, net-busting, onion-bag rippling type of hit-man supremo, but: nine goals in his last four games? That'll do for us.
Away from home
Last week he greedily helped himself to a hat-trick against Norwich, on Saturday his avarice knew no bounds: four times Bradford goalie Steve Banks picked the ball out of the net, while his tormentor was lauded by Wimbledon's away support, Peter, at the Bradford and Bingley Stadium. Asked afterwards for his feelings about scoring four goals in a single game Connolly said: "It's going well". Cocky so-and-so.
Exeter City's Reinier Moor has had to settle for a mere three goals in two games but, according to our source (hello David, of Railway Union fame), this young lad's worth keeping an eye on.
Moor, already a servant of Brian Kerr's youth set-up, is a native of Beechill (behind Donnybrook bus garage), played for Mount Merrion youths, from under-nine to under-16, before moving on to Crumlin United (and Kilmacud Crokes - yer ultimate all-rounder, as David put it), learning just about everything he knows from Mount Merrion's Pat O'Mahoney. We'll keep a beady eye on the lad, promise - not least because he has a drop of Dutch blood in him and, in football terms at least, we take that as breeding of the quality variety.
Carlisle United? Will McDonagh? Bohs old boy. On Saturday he scored an utterly priceless winner against Kidderminster (but then got sent off for the daftest of late tackles), confirming our suspicion that there would never be a dull moment at Roddy Collins' club this season. Seven Irish goals, three red cards, 14 yellow cards and a mask to protect a broken cheek bone (get well soon wishes to Planet Football's favourite footballer, Richie Foran). Nuff said.
Marriage in safe hands
Desperate news from Germany: Bild has reported that Oliver Kahn's missus is having a fling. Fair play to Michelle, though, she's doing her best to put the goalie's mind at ease: "We love each other and no one will tear us apart. I mean, I like Bon Jovi, but that doesn't mean that I have to make love with him." To which Oli might reply, "you give love a bad name". Sorry.
Quotes of the week
"The Beckhams will now be subject to intelligence monitoring."
- Anne Robinson on 'Have I Got News For You' . . . with an evil smirk on her face.
"If anyone can persuade me that McCarthy's record since 1996 justified the constant hounding which ended with him losing the will to fight on, then I will cut every blade of grass in Tipperary with a pair of nailclippers."
- The Daily Telegraph's Paul Hayward, all set for a back-breaking spell of hard labour in and around the fields of Clonmel.
"If you believed in a conspiracy you would become paranoid and the next step after that is schizophrenia, a feeling that all the world is against you. I don't go in for that kind of momentum."
- Arsene Wenger, insisting he isn't turning into Alex Ferguson.
"Vinnie Jones says he's reacting to the Beckham kidnap plot by hiring 24-hour guards at his mansion near Tring."
- The London Evening Standard, trying to keep a straight face.
"It's a no-win game for us, although I suppose we can win by winning."
- Spurs' Gary Doherty. Is that the 'quotes of the year' we see on the horizon?
"If Ricardo Gardner should have been sent off there should have been four players sent off for each side. So the match should have ended up six against six."
- Bolton manager Sam Allardyce loses count.
"My biggest regret since coming to England is not winning the Worthington Cup."
- Arsene Wenger proves he has a sense of humour.
Songs of the week
"Roy Keane is magic, he wears a magic hat, we would have won the World Cup, but he was sent home by a prat."
- As heard at that book-signing in Cork.
"Nice one Neville, nice one son, nice one Neville, let's have another one ."
- Manchester City fans hinting that there can never be enough Neville brothers, especially when they gift their boys goals in the Manchester derby.
Dead atmosphere
BBC Online: "Manchester United have revealed that an estimated 1,800 of its registered season ticket holders are actually dead." Apologies for obvious conclusion: that explains the atmosphere at Old Trafford this season.
Protection racket
Loved this, from the Sunday Times - the referee in charge of Leeds Ladies' game against Charlton refused to replay a drop ball 'in case someone got hurt'. Planet Football doesn't mean to be brutal, but it hopes the ref was carried off the pitch on seven stretchers after he announced his decision
What might have been
If things had turned out ever so slightly differently Chris Byrne and Marlon King could have been Republic of Ireland internationals by now, both men having been watched by Mick McCarthy in their time and given warmish words of encouragement.
Last week? Marlon returned to action for Gillingham after serving nine months for "handling a stolen car". Then? Chris was shot in the leg, the bullet nicking his femoral artery (we're told if he'd been shot been a millimetre to one side he would died within minutes).
Byrne was arrested last April after a brawl at a Manchester nightclub, when a man suffered severe neck injuries. In 1997 he was arrested for allegedly harbouring a murder suspect in a hotel, according to the Manchester Evening News, and last year he was arrested by police investigating the death of a man attacked with a machete in Old Trafford.
And in 1999 Byrne was convicted of a chemist burglary in a suburb of Manchester. He's currently playing for Macclesfield Town. His manager's reaction to news of his mishap? "I'm not totally surprised considering the sort of company Chris keeps".
Lovely, thanks for that (David Moss).
More quotes of the week
"Jesus Christ couldn't come in here with a system that would cure the way we had been playing."
- Howard Wilkinson. The Messiah.
"Everyone forgets his achievements up until now. He went to Arsenal for about half a million, left for £23 million and they built a training ground on him."
- Kevin Keegan explains why Nicolas Anelka is feeling the weight of pressure.
"Wayne Rooney is something very special. He's the most exciting thing I've seen. He reminds me of me. It's like watching my own videos."
- Malcolm Macdonald, quoted on Football 365. Modest.
"Now we're looking for answers to problems, rather than finding problems for every answer."
- Howard Wilkinson after Sunderland beat Arsenal in the League Cup. Answers. Postcard. Thanks.
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