Planet Football 2002 Awards

A selection of the best from Planet Football

What they said . . . the cream of the crop

1 "I could use a cliche, but that's not me. The one thing you can't do is worry about tomorrow."

- (West Ham manager Glenn Roeder)

2 "It's a no-win game for us, although I suppose we can win by winning." - (Spurs' Gary Doherty)

3 "Sarajevo isn't Hawaii." - (Bobby Robson)

4 "You've got to be careful - you're not sure if the ball is going to bounce up or down." - (Frank Stapleton)

5 "Djimi Traore had to adapt to the English game and he did that by going out on loan to Lens last season." - (Ian Rush)

In The Commentary Box - Part I

"Liverpool are outnumbered numerically in midfield." - (Ron Atkinson)

"Walsall are coping amicably at the moment, they still lead 2-1." - (Chris Kamara)

"Ian Pearce has limped off with what looks like a shoulder injury." - (Tony Cottee)

"Tugay is writhing around all over the place, as if he were dead." - (Alan Green)

"Djorkaeff will be playing in Zidane's hole."

- (Clive Tyldesley)

Kevin Keegan 2002 Special

"The under-17s are doing very well - you get bunches of players like you do bananas, though that is a bad comparison."

"I personally feel that Millwall, along with Wolves, are the best side in this division. Apart from us."

"As I said to Kevin Horlock, we can't all be generals, someone has to stand on the pavement and wave as the generals go by on their horses and if there is no one there the generals wouldn't go by on their horses."

"Shaun Wright-Phillips has got a big heart. It's as big as him, which isn't very big, but it's bigger."

"If you put a template for the ideal striker into a computer, like they do with cars and it then sends out the perfect aerodynamic hatchback, it would come out with Thierry Henry and Nicolas Anelka."

World Cup: Before

"When I read the headlines 'A nation in mourning' I thought to myself, 'Well she (the Queen Mother) did live to 101'. It was only then I realised we were talking about David Beckham's foot." - (Jimmy Greaves)

"The mere fact that David Beckham is injured stops him getting injured again, if you know what I mean." - (Terry Venables)

"We're a very young team and we hold no fear for anybody else." - (Rio Ferdinand inadvertently reassures England's opponents that they have nothing to worry about)

"There's no danger of us being too confident at the World Cup finals. If each player performs at their level then we don't have to worry about the opponents." - (France's Marcel Desailly tempts fate)

World Cup: During

Paul Gascoigne: "Senegal, which, beforehand, I've never heard of, looked very impressive." Des Lynam: "You'd never heard of Senegal?" Gazza: "No." Des: "They've been part of Africa for some time."

"Ireland have got to score to win the game." - (ITV's Bobby Robson offers Mick McCarthy some tactical advice)

"We weren't lucky - it's the Irish who have a flower in their arses." - (Spanish manager Jose Antonio Camacho after his side knocked Ireland out of the World Cup)

"Well, it's a battle of the old adversaries - although, obviously, they haven't met before." - (Dave Bassett previews the Brazil v Germany World Cup final)

World Cup: After

"No regrets, none at all. My only regret is that we went out on penalties . That's my only regret. But no, no regrets." - (Mick McCarthy)

"Given by name, given by nature." - (Joe Duffy, on that fateful day in the Phoenix Park. Six months later we still don't know what he meant)

"Roy Keane didn't go through the book with a fine toothbrush." - (Tony Cascarino)

"Oliver Kahn is constantly portrayed as Superman while the rest of us are seen as sausages. As soon as he lets in a goal, everyone starts shouting 'unstoppable', even if it wasn't. Then, when Goalkeeper X in the Bundesliga lets in a similar shot, he is branded a cucumber." - (Schalke goalkeeper Frank Rust, not bitter at all)

"He shouldn't be elbowing my son in the head." - (Thora McAteer after her boy Jason's run-in with Roy Keane)

Punditry Pearls

"Last week's match was a real game of cat and dog." - (TV3's John Aldridge)

"He shot from all of 35 yards there, and nobody beats David Seaman from that kind of distance." - (Clive Allen)

Terry Venables: "It's either a penalty or it's not a penalty." Des Lynam: "Sometimes it can be neither." Venables: "Exactly."

"Liverpool have given themselves a mountain to climb, in fact they have to climb Everest, which is just around the corner from here." - (Aldridge again, on Liverpool's Champions League game. In Switzerland)

Rodney Marsh: "Yeeees!!" Jeff Stelling: "Is it a goal, Rodney?!" Rodney: "No - the ref's blown for half-time." - (Marsh watching West Brom v Southampton, during which he almost lost the will to live)

Bobby Robson 2002 Extravaganza

"Football's like a big market place, and people go to the market every day to buy their vegetables."

"There will be a game where somebody scores more than them (Brazil) and that might be the game that they lose."

"If you count your chickens before they've hatched they won't lay an egg."

"Jermaine Jenas is a fit lad - he gets from box to box in all of 90 minutes."

"We don't want our players to be monks, we want them to be football players because a monk doesn't play football at this level."

In The Commentary Box - Part II

"The keeper should have saved that one, but he did." - (Ron Atkinson)

"They haven't made many sautéés forward." - (Clive Allen)

" . . . and now Burnley have got an extra yard of doubtness in their minds." - (Chris Kamara)

"Aston Villa are seventh in the league - that's almost as high as you can get without being one of the top six." - (Ian Payne)

"A little stud problem for Steve Finnan. It's been solved . . . by a spanner."

- (George Hamilton being unkind to Irish physio Mick Byrne - as spotted by Dangerhere.com)

Tributes

"The arsehole of the universe." - (French under-21 manager Raymond Domenech pays homage to the city of Bolton)

"David Seaman has taken a lot of stick, but it's all gone over his head." - (Sky Sports reporter)

"If Rio Ferdinand is world class then Gazza is Parkinson." - (Scottish Daily Record reporter James Traynor)

"Craig Bellamy has literally been on fire this season." - (Ally McCoist)

"Remember I said West Brom were like a pig with lipstick? Well, forget the lipstick." - (Sky Sports' Rodney Marsh)

Gaffer Guff

"We are a young side that will only get younger." - (Paul Hart, Nottingham Forest)

"We dominated for 75 per cent of the game, but we have to make sure we do that for the other 15." - (Dave Jones, Wolves)

"I have a reputation for a style of play - get it, give it and find a new position. That's why I have been married 37 years." - (Graham Taylor, Aston Villa)

"If you hire people who are smarter than you, maybe you are showing that you are a little bit smarter than them." - (Howard Wilkinson, Sunderland)

"We haven't got his type of player at the club - he can pass and score goals." - (Gary Megson, West Brom, after signing Jason Koumas)

2002 Classics

"You only get one opportunity of an England debut." - (Alan Shearer)

"If you make the right decision, it's normally going to be the correct one." - (Dave Beasant)

"You know, if I don't score, people are going to say: 'He didn't score'." - (Andy Cole)

"Today there are no losers - only bids that have not won." - (UEFA president Lennart Johansson after the hosting rights to Euro 2008 were awarded)

"I don't set myself targets, but I've a sum in my head that I'm aiming for." - (Southampton's James Beattie)

Pure Genius

"Our talking point this morning is George Best, his liver transplant and the booze culture in football. Don't forget, the best caller wins a crate of John Smith's." - (TalkSport radio presenter Alan Brazil)

"So, Roy Keane's on 50 grand a week? Mind you, I was on 50 grand a week until the police found my printing machine." - (Ex-footballer Mickey Thomas who spent time in jail for his part in a counterfeit currency scam.)

"Danish star gutted after operation."

- (Headline on Norwich City's official website)

"I have heard about the interest from Tottenham, but I prefer not to think about it."

- (AC Milandefender Martin Laursen, euphoric at the prospects of a move to White Hart Lane.)

Anne Robinson: "In 2001 Steve Staunton became the record cap holder for which country?" Weakest Link contestant: "Brazil."

"Traditionalists shuddered when Derby left the Baseball Ground and moved to Pride Park, but they now have an erection of which they can be proud." - (From Derby's official website)

"There's no problem with Darius Vassell - and quite simply there wouldn't be a problem if there was." - (Graham Taylor)

"There's only one word to describe Wolves at the moment - absolutely flawless".

- (A Nationwide spokesman)

"Both teams will be going for the juggler."

- (Zoomsoccer.com's preview of Newcastle v Arsenal)

"At least he's learning to speak more better English." - (Ron "Chopper" Harris on Claudio Ranieri's efforts at learning the lingo)

To be frank . . .

"If they had used video evidence in my day I would still be doing time." - (Graeme Souness)

Reporter: "Were you disappointed at the way you conceded the first goal?" Sweden's Magnus Hedman: "No, I'm used to it - I play for Coventry."

"I was sent off for pushing him (Alan Shearer) - but if you're going to get sent off, you might as well punch him properly. It's the same punishment. You might as well get hung for a sheep as a lamb." - (Roy Keane)

". . . and Celtic have extended their lead at the top to a remarkable 15 points. Now to soccer."

- Trevor Welch on TV3's Sports Tonight.

Reporter: "What is China's strong point?" Roberto Carlos (Brazil): "Running."