Planet Football

Today's other stories in brief

FAI look to second coming

The Football Association of Ireland has been getting a fair old heap of flak of late but judging by this headline on Aertel last Monday John Delaney and Co are going to extraordinary lengths to find a saviour for our national team, even arranging a summit with the squad in a Bethlehem stable: "FAI Will Speak To Players On Manger."

Quotes of the week

"Poor Scott Carson. Just two more hands and another chest and he would have saved it."

- Jimmy Greaves offers a sympathetic view of young Carson's blooper against Croatia.

"Stevie G, we hail thee. Few can play so many dummies, shaping to pass to a team-mate and then completely outwitting him by giving it to the opposition."

- Greaves again, this time paying tribute to the Liverpool man's contribution on Wednesday night.

"Useless, pathetic, insipid, spineless, desperate, rubbish and all those other words we are not allowed to print in the nation's favourite newspaper."

- Yep, the Sun.

"Great leaders inspire their men to glory. Steve McClaren will be remembered as a wally with a brolly."

- The Daily Mail bids a fond adieu to the Umbrella Man.

"If they were a company the shareholders could sue them for incompetent mismanagement. In commercial terms, it's like watching your mother-in-law drive your new Ferrari over the cliff."

- Alan Sugar suggests the English FA could do somewhat better.

"England got what they deserved for underestimating us but they are welcome to enjoy the splendours of Croatia's Adriatic coast next summer."

- Ivica Olic, one of Croatia's scorers at Wembley, suggests a holiday destination for the England boys during the summer.

Best-laid schemes . ..

True, there's no harm in planning ahead, just in case, but still, this report from Wednesday's Guardian is . . . what's the word? Poignant? Funny?

"England have narrowed their search for potential Euro 2008 base camps down to two or three options should they qualify for the tournament by avoiding defeat against Croatia at Wembley tonight. The favoured option is understood to be a base in Switzerland close to one of the major cities, with a site on Lac Leman, near Geneva, among the possibilities. With two of the Euro 2008 groups playing all their matches in Austria, however, they will wait until the draw on December 2nd before allowing England's head coach, Steve McClaren, to have the final say.

"Refreshingly the Football Association has no intention of repeating the World Cup 2006 mistake of selecting a remote base that cuts the players off from media, supporters and, in some cases, reality."

Oh dear.

More quotes of the week

"I was dancing naked in the locker-room when I saw the result."

- Germany's Lukas Podolski on how distraught he was when he heard the news from Wembley.

"I was singing 'England, England' in the dressingroom, which I found quite funny, even if they didn't."

- Manchester United's Patrice Evra on how he tried to cheer up Rooney, Ferdinand, Neville and Co.

"It's like a crocodile. When four or five have jumped in and been eaten, the sixth one says 'I'm not going to jump in there'."

- Arsène Wenger explaining why the England job is such an attractive proposition.

"Would I be any good as a manager? Yes, I'd be brilliant. My ego thinks I'd be good at it and the rest of me thinks I would be brilliant too."

- Martin O'Neill, not quite sure if he'd be up to the job.

"Who can lead the boys with the three lions out of their coma? One name comes immediately to mind: Jürgen Klinsmann. The England job would be ideal for him and he would be ideal for England."

- Franz Beckenbauer. Alas, Jimmy Hill was unavailable for comment.

Home comfort for McClaren

There was, you might remember, a grumble or two when Steve Staunton received an €800,000 pay-off when he was sacked from the Irish job so you can imagine how Steve McClaren's, eh, admirers felt about him leaving the England post with almost 3.5 million to cheer him up.

The London Times reminded us that McClaren was "the worst manager in the country's 135-year international history", which was as generous as the tributes got, while the Daily Mail needed a sedative to calm them down, so incandescent was their ire.

What particularly irked the Mail was the fact that McClaren recently bought his second - count 'em - villa in Barbados, this one costing €2.6 million. He'll be renting out the first; at only €1.4 million it was a bit poky.

Among his neighbours will be Rio Ferdinand, Joe Cole, Andrew Flintoff, Ian Woosnam, Virginia Wade and Andy Murray. And Gary Lineker too - there should be good chats over the garden fence. What we liked most, though, was the address for Lineker's £2.5-million pad: Flamboyant Drive. McClaren's address? Not sure. Probably something like 4-5-1 Cheerio Cul-de-Sac.

Even more quotes of the week

"I feel like I have been acting in Coronation Street all my life and now I am King Lear."

- Ian Holloway after leaving his Vera Duckworth days behind, resigning from Plymouth to become manager of Leicester City.

"Do I stay in touch with Phil? I wasn't that friendly with him. I went to his wedding, that was enough."

- Roy Keane was actually paying tribute to Phil Neville, but it sounds like he found his wedding hard going.

"I want to do something with this club. I love the fans and I love the club. Bolton helped me come back to England and I won't forget that."

- Nicolas Anelka vows to stay loyal to Bolton. See below.

"Of course, I would like to play in that team. Which striker wouldn't like to be part of a team that plays such amazing football?"

- Meanwhile, Anelka sends a 'wink, wink, nudge, nudge' to Arsène Wenger.

"The concern was that every time Everton came forward they looked like scoring."

- Sadly for Roy Keane, every time Everton came forward on Saturday they did score.

" He's been given the lyrics correctly, but he has enough trouble with English, never mind Croatian."

- Douglas Gillespie, the agent of singer Tony Henry, who muddled a line in the Croatian national anthem last week, instead of "you know my dear how we love your mountains" he sang "my dear, my ***** is a mountain". (Hint: it's a boy bit).